Marilyn's Diary

I was devastated when my Uncle Herman left us to run off and live with Carol Herman. I couldn't understand how he could leave. I mean I get it that he was finished with Aunt Lily. She was 1505 years old so she was kind of a cold fish. For a succubus. But why did he leave my dewey fresh virgin charms. My perky breasts. My flower that smelled so sweet like a daisy in the sun. Why oh why did he leave us?

It didn't last with Carol Herman. She never stopped talking. She would talk and talk and talk. Uncle Herman finally left her. He became a serial dater. He lived with Virgina Graham for a while and produced her TV show. He band Kitty Carlisle for two years. He once banged Sally Jesse Raphael so hard that he broke her glasses. But he only had two really significant relationships after he left Carol Herman.

He had moved to Wisconsin while working as an extra on the Rodney Dangerfield movie "Back to School" and met a spinster law professor who was trying to live as a lesbian but couldn't get a girlfriend. He leached off her for a while because she was an easy mark but eventually he got very tired of her. Her drinking and pomposity were just too much. She just wanted to get all dressed up and sit on her throne and reenact scenes from Sunset Boulevard. Plus she kept asking him to kidnap dogs so they could have three ways. So he left. I hear he was replaced by a gardener. Most likely a Mexican because they do the jobs that Americans don't want anymore.

Then he moved to Philly to be Jayson Williams Limo Driver. Where he met a ketchup heiress and rest is history.

I hear he went into politics but I find that hard to believe.

I still miss my Uncle Herman.