American Idol Recap

Hey last nights Chicago show wasn't anywhere as good as last weeks stuff. Most of the contestants were nondescript. Even the tragedy whores weren't cutting it.

Right off the bat there was this girl whose tragedy was that her father left the family. Bad of course nobody wants that. Then her mother started talking and you sort of remembered that old country song about divorce with Tammy Wynette, ' I live in a two story house." Damn there are definitely two stories with this divorce man.

Then there was the girl with the sick kid who flunked out twice before getting to Hollywood but having to go home to report to her parole board or something. Jeez. Hard to root for her you know?

Then there was this huge retarded dude who choose to sing a Tiny Tim Song. Nuff said about that one.

Then there was asthma girl who almost died but did cartwheels when she got her ticket. Not sticking to the script baby.

Finally there was this Korean dude who looks like the sop to the diversity crowd like Anoop Dog was last year. Shania Twain cutely was talking technically in way that Randy turned into sex talk which was kinda stupid. But kinda stupid and Randy goes together like ham and eggs. Or Kara and Cunt. It is just what it is.

Anyhoo let's hope it gets better tonight.

A great writer has passed.

One of my all time favorite writers has passed this week, Robert B. Parker of the Spenser, Jesse Stone, Sonny Randall and Appalosa fame.

He specialized in my two favorite brands of fiction, tough guy detective and western. I did find that he had started to repeat himself a lot in the Spenser series. Not to say that they weren't a great fast read and that I didn't buy everyone as soon as they came out. But the plots seem to always go the same way. Someone would come into Spenser's office and pose a problem. He would investigate but would pull in one of his friends who were a criminal to help. Sometimes Hawk his sidekick the black hit man. Or Vinnie Morris the Mafia hit man. Or Cholo the Mexican hit man. In one book he got together all of those guys in a sort of homage to the "Magnificent Seven." A fun read but not the most original.

I thought his Jesse Stone mysteries were more intriguing. Stone was an alcoholic police chief struggling with a wife he divorced but couldn't end it with. And he had started a dalliance with another main character in another series, Sonny Randall. So this was shaping up as a fun series to follow.

Sometimes when an author gets older a son will step in to follow in his fathers footsteps and keep the series alive. Michael Shaara's son Jeff did that with the Killer Angels series. WEB Griffin has already integrated his son into his series so he can take over. I don't know if anyone will pick up Robert Parker's mantle but I would hate for the series to end. They have been too much fun for me and too much a part of my life. I will really miss them.

To his wife Joan and his family, I extend my thoughts and prayers and may he rest in peace. He will be remembered fondly by many millions of his fans.

Who Dat?

Why that's Beth celebrating her Saints win. Congratulations.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

Holy three way Batman.

"Holy Three Way Batman! Are we doing this right?"

"I don't think so Boy Wonder. I think you are supposed to be in the middle."

"WHAT?"

Whose Mother is this?

Holy ice queen Batman. Whose famous TV mom is this?

I do have to say that the Batman is acting kinda creepy and she is kinda kooky so it all flows together.

All the best Batman's have Chinese eyes!

So to speak.

It's all there in black and white

"Selina, why are you waiting outside of the clinic?"

"Well it is such a beautiful day Trey. I have been outside every day waiting for you to stop by but you have been too busy."

"I am sorry Selina. But I have a very busy schedule. But I am here now. Why are you in a bikini?"

"Oh I just wanted to bask in the warmth of the sun Trey. You know like I bask in the warm glow of your treatment. It makes me feel warm all over."

"Errrhh, well that's very nice. But perhaps you should put some more clothes on before we start the session."

"Oh I don't think so. In fact it has been so long since I have seen you....well I might even have to take off my bikini...Trey....Trey....why did you fall off the stairs you silly man. I declare you are getting harder and harder to figure out."

Remembrance of things Pabst

So last night we were watching Jersey Shore and it was pretty entertaining. I mean those guido’s and guidettes remind me of my cousins from Staten Island and most of the guys I grew up with. The really fun part is that they went on a road trip to my old stomping grounds: Atlantic City.

Back in the day when I was single and fancy free I wasted a lot of money in AC and Vegas. I loved the casino and the lounges where you could relax and have a few drinks and listen the music. What was particularly good for me was that usually I didn’t know anybody so I didn’t have to have meaningless and tedious conversations with the regulars or worse the bartenders. You see I always had the opposite problem of most people who come to a bar. They come in to bore the bartender with their sad story and complaints about what was going on in their life. Now since I usually did the taxes for all the wait staff as well as the owners of the bar they all wanted to talk to me when all I wanted to do was talk to the ladies. I mean they always had an investment or tax question about their problems or their girlfriends or boyfriends or mothers or whatever the fuck. It got to the point where they used to call me the human service area because the bartender would always stand in front of me and hand drinks over my shoulder when it was a full bar. Which sucked because the drunk fucks getting the drink would spill a little on my suit or whatever. So going to AC where nobody knew me was a treat.

Now I don’t drive so after work on a Friday I would go to the Port Authority Bus Terminal and catch the bus to AC. It cost about $15 but they gave you back $12 in coins so you could play the slots. I hated the new hotels. I can’t stand Donald Trump or Steve Wynn. But I loved the old school ones like the Claridge.

The Claridge was actually the only hotel that wasn’t really on the boardwalk. It was on the next street down, Atlantic I think. You had to walk a block or so to get to the boardwalk which was fine with me because the boardwalk was very cheesy just like the one they show on the Jersey Shore show. Lots of t-shirt joints and taffy stands and shit like that. So I usually hung in the Claridge or maybe Caesar’s Palace. I almost always stayed in this small hotel a block away that offered great rates and had a great little coffee shop that was dirt cheap and had great food. It was always packed and the staff was all girls from Ireland who were working off the books. Some of them would later come up toe the city and I would recommend them for jobs at various bars and stuff.

The only bad part about staying off the main drag is that you had to fight your way past the hookers. They were all over those streets and they would accost you all the time. Usually it wasn’t a problem because they were looking for someone in a car but on a slow night or real late at night they could be a pain in the ass. The casinos were pretty good at keeping most of the snaggle tooth ones out. I mean the high class ones were around but they kept a low profile and they left you alone if you left them alone. So to speak.

Anyway after a few weeks I did what I always do. I made friends with one the bartenders, this guido Sal from South Philly. He was working in this little hole in the wall bar in the Claridge called “Sparky’s.” This bar was dedicated to Sparky Lyle the old Yankee relief pitcher and all around psycho. Occasionally Sparky would be there when he was making an appearance for the casino and he had some great stories. There was the time he went up on the roof and tried to throw a baseball into the ocean. All kinds of crazy shit. And I got an autograph or two. Not that I cared but my brother collected them.

Also you might run into a connected guy or two since they favored the Claridge a lot. Since I knew some people from Brooklyn and Sal knew the Philly guys it was easy to steer clear of trouble and have a good time with out stepping on anybody’s toes. Sparkys was really tiny; it was against wall and only had about 13 seats. We called them the lucky 13. That freaked some people out but others loved it. It was usually an interesting mix though and a good place to hang out and kill a few hours.

Anyway one day it was freezing cold for some reason. I was in Caesars Palace playing baccarat and I actually did pretty good for once. So I had to stay there long enough to lose all my money back to them which took a few hours. When I finished about 3 in the morning I decided to walk back to the Claridge for a couple of drinks at Sparky’s before I went to bed. When I went outside it was Artic man. Colder than Hillary Clinton’s heart. I bundled up and bent against the howling wind I slowly trudged my way back to the casino. Thankfully I finally made it and unwrapped myself. I mean I had on hats and scarves and all kinds of stuff. I walked across the casino floor which was easier than usually because it was pretty dead. I walk into Sparky’s and it was packed. That was weird. Every seat was taken except for one bar stool right in the middle of the bar. The 13th seat. So I walk in and sit down. Then I notice it. I look at the left. There were six Spanish prostitutes. They all had fruity drinks and in unison they go “Hola papi how you doing tonight?” Then I looked to the left and there were six black prostitutes drinking Hennessy. They all looked at me and said “How you doing sugar?” or something to that effect. I looked at Sal. He goes “Don’t look at me. It was so cold tonight they let them in to warm up.” I had to laugh. “You know nobody is going to believe this story. It’s the night of the frozen whores.”

You just never know what is gonna happen when you walk into a bar.

Hell needs a new PA Announcer

Forcas: Will you be interviewing any new announcers my dread Lord.
Lucifer: No I can't. I have to go over to Cartoon Hell today.
Forcas: I didn't know that there even was a Cartoon Hell. I was never stationed there.
Lucifer: Oh yeah it’s pretty cool. Once the Cartoonist dies his characters either go to Cartoon Hell or that other place.
Forcas: But what if someone else draws them and the comic strip continues.
Lucifer: Well then that’s a new Character altogether. Nobody exactly duplicates the sensibility and soul of a cartoon character. So they get a new life but the old soul comes here to me in Cartoon Hell.
Forcas: This sounds very interesting My Lord. Could I come and see? I might get some ideas on how to torture the forsaken souls here in the regular Hell.
Lucifer: Sure. That’s what Hell is all about. The Devil and his demons having some fun. Let’s go. (A poof of smoke and they are magically transported to Cartoon Hell)
Lucy (from Charley Brown): Welcome Sire! It has been so long since have visited.
Lucifer: Yeah I know but I have been busy. Ok where is he? Where the fuck is Gumby?
Lucy: Oh I have him hanging around right over there. (They walk over a lake of fire to a hill where Gumby is being crucified)
Forcas: Ah the old ways are always best.
Gumby: Ohhhh Nooooo! Why are you doing this to me? What did I ever do?
Lucifer: Well you thought you were King of the Toons. But your creator Art Clokey didn’t give a shit. When he croaked he took those faggots Davy and Goliath up with him to heaven. And you came straight to me.
Gumby: BUT WHY!!! WHAT DID I EVER DO?
Lucifer: Seriously, you are a douche. You know what you did. I mean the stuff with Pokey alone. How the fuck did you think he got that name? You think that didn’t go on your permanent record. What a maroon.
Forcas: Very cool sire.
Lucifer: Yeah well enough with this loser. Let him hang around here for a while and ponder the error of his ways. Lucy.
Lucy: Yes My Lord and Master?
Lucifer: Let’s go over and see what Betty Rubble is up to. I love that dirty slut. Oh and bring your football. I bet it will fit by now. Hee.

American Idol is back and we are all over it!

American Idol is back and we are all over it.

Day one was in Boston and the crazy started from the beginning. The first one up was a foul mouthed Irish broad who was wearing a pink belly shirt. An unfortunate choice. She needs to find out how to dress because she could have looked great but she had to get clothes that fit. Anyway she kept jumping up and down and was a stone psycho. They had that twit Posh Spice as a guest judge so with Kara they made up a new act: The Skeleton Sisters. The judges got her out as fast as possible.

They had this girl who had a heart rending story. She came from a huge family and her next youngest sibling was a Downs Syndrome baby. Her family ending up adopting three more Downs Syndrome kids and they were all there to cheer her on. I admit I teared up. Of course the wife was weeping for ten minutes but she is a big softie. Anyway she was pretty good and I hope she doesn’t get lost in Hollywood.

They had a couple of other typical stories: Cancer Guy, family troubles the whole nine yards. But the worst was this little Irish pishser who came with his whole family dressed in t-shirts with his name on it. Man did he suck. Thank God he was kicked to the curb.

By the way Paula is really, really missed. The first dofus actually called Kara: “Paula” and she freaked. She also freaked on this dude with crazy eyes who was the last person to audition. She was in full bitch mode that nobody thinks she has earned yet and Simon’s disgust is palpable. No wonder he is quitting. I mean at least with Paula next to him he could entertain himself by making her crazy. Now he just wants to get the hell out of there.

The next day they were in Atlanta. Mary J. Blige was the guest judge and she had a real hard time not laughing at the idiots who were singing. She had to keep hiding her face and would shout out stuff like “Oh no!” and “My Lord” and all kinds of stuff. Pretty funny actually.

Now there were a lot of goobers in this show. One young girl is being set up to be this seasons Kelly Pickler. They pimped her with a video and a visit to her one horse town in Tennessee. I think she lives next to the Instapundit’s trailer. Anyway they show her jumping off a bridge in a bikini. Now some of these guys should really jump off a bridge but this was all in good fun. She made it to Hollywood singing a Loretta Lynn song in a real country voice. It’s a Loretta Lynn voice because you can listen for about two minutes before you change the radio dial. Unless you are a goober of course. She will not survive Hollywood.

They totally mocked this other skinny inbred bad tooth goober dude. They had videos mocking him and everything. But everybody wants their ten minutes and he got his.

Then they had the perfect American Idol contestant. It was a guy who looks like Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch dressed in a bowling shirt and telling everyone he is the “Great Sibowsky.” Now what can be better than being a black dude singing Motown while pretending to be Polish. It was brilliant I tell you. And he really sold it. He even misspelled the name on his bowling shirt. You can’t get more Polish than that! He made it easily.

Then they had this cop guy they were pimping with a couple of videos. He is pretty old and he doesn’t sing that well but that is not what is really funny. He is a really pale and pink guy and he shaved his head except for a wispy tuft of a Mohawk on the middle of his head. So when he pursed his lips and wailed in all his pink skinned glory, he looked like nothing so much as, well a pig. Talk about stereotypes. Yikes.

The final guy was a portent of things to come. He was an angry black dude who had shaved some sort of design into his eyebrows. He was pissed from the minute he walked in. Simon was so disgusted he had already left. That’s gonna happen a lot. Anyway this dude shouted out Seal’s song “A Kiss from a Ross” in a gruff tough voice like he was singing in the prison shower. When they told him no way, he really started flexing and shouting and acting out till security got him and escorted him out of the joint. They followed him all the way down the elevator and out on to the street. Just about the last thing he said was “Fuck that Kara. What the hell does she know? Paula never would have done that.”

Truer words where never spoken.

Gratuitous Bathtub Photo: Tiger's Hot Tub.

I wonder how many page views I am gonna get from that when it hit's google.

Made you look. Hee.

Technical help youse guys.

I posted a link to Trooper York on another blog and when I tried to click on it there was a message that said that it was directing them to somewhere else or something and that it wasn't reccomended that you click on it. What's that about?

Is that some kind of spyware attached to my blog or something? If so, how do I fix it?

Maybe blake or chickenlittle or one of you savvy guys can tell me what to do.

Remembrance of things Pabst

So after I spent most of the morning at the surgeon strategizing how I can get my operation, the wife and I took a walk along Court St to go back to the store. Something we never get a chance to do during the day. It is good to take a look at the windows of all the other boutiques to see what they are featuring and how they are displaying things. You know to see what they are pimping.

As we were walking the wife decides we have to stop off at the Chocolate Room for some hot chocolate and some chocolate to bring home for a snack. Now I am not a big chocolate fan so it was all her choice. She gets about twelve pieces of chocolate and a fancy smasncy hot chocolate. Sixteen dollars. That’s right sports fans, sixteen dollars. After we left I told her that was the difference between us. Sixteen dollars for twelve pieces of chocolate and a hot chocolate vs. a large black coffee and two donuts from the metal cart with the Palestinian terrorist in it on Atlantic Avenue for about $2.50. But I love her anyway!

So we get back to the store and it is a crisis as usual. I have to get some money to a vendor and the computer is down at Chase and I can’t do it till tomorrow which just doesn’t work. So I have to take a cab all the way back to Montague St. to make cash deposit in their bank so they have use of the funds immediately. I had to take a cab because the bank closed early.

So I make it in the nick of time and walk outside. I decide to walk again because I need to work my leg and it is only about a mile and a half. But I am starving and I have to get a bite. Now normally I would get a piece of pizza at one of the shops but the one I used to go to started to annoy me a lot. They are always too busy and the guys working there are too busy fucking around to serve the line properly. When the Italian guys owned it they pushed everybody to pay attention to the customers and get the slices out right away. Now there are some absentee owners and he hired a bunch of Mexican dudes who have a real “Manama” attitude. So I don’t want to go there.

As I am walking, I see it. Mickey D’s. A McDonald’s. I don’t think I have had a McDonald’s burger in about twenty years. I used to love them back in the day when I was a kid. When I worked in Flushing Queens back in the seventies there was a Mickey D’s across the street and I would get the same lunch every day. Six cheeseburgers, large fries, a milkshake and an apple pie. Health food you know? I would eat that every day and read the Sporting News box scores at lunch. I was just a punk kid with an iron constitution ya know what I mean.

So I suddenly got a craving for a burger. I mean why not. But I have to be a little responsible. So I only get a paper sack filled with four cheeseburgers. Now I can’t eat them on the move because I would make a big mess. And I don’t want the wife to see me eating them because she would yell at me. So I decide to take the bus and enjoy it as it inched along Court St. I mean the bus takes about twenty minutes longer than walking it. I get on and sit down with my sack of burgers, pull one out and start munching away minding my own business, happily spilling ketchup on myself and chomping away. I look across the aisle and what do I see? My arch nemesis, the hippie/liberal/yuppie bitch with the PBS recycled tote and the Hemp coat. She must have just been shopping at the health food store and had a canvas sack full of tofu and bean sprouts and some shit like that. She looks at me happily enjoying my processed cheese and faux meat burger and sniffed like I was a piece of crap she got on her shoe. I had to laugh. I AM AMERICA BABY! Not you, you tight assed twat.

So I happily grunted and slobbered down my burgers while she gave me the stink eye. When I got my stop, I had finished my culinary trip down memory lane. She kept staring at me as I walked out the door. As I started to step out, I leaned back in and said:
“Oh, and I vote Republican too. All the time.”

Hopefully she had a stroke.

Sorry I have been busy!

Sorry that I have been off line but I was working on the leg. It has been killing me the last few days and I had to go to the doctor.

I had to get new stockings before I went to Florida and they just weren't the right ones. But I had to get new ones for the plane. So when I went to the Vascular dude he told me they were crap. So I had to run down the right ones.

I have just been too tired and have to sit with my legs up so I can get through the day. But hopefully the new socks will work until I can get the operation.

Why, why does he hate me so?

"I am sorry Miss Winters, but Michael H does not find you very attractive. I don't know why."

"Oh why, why does he hate me so?"

"I don't know, it has something to do with Jay Leno. I don't see why, your jaw isn't all that big."

"I know. But he doesn't have any idea about who I really am. I mean I was a great actress. And a fun date. Look! I can fit my whole fist in my mouth."

"Now that's Talent!"

"How do you think I stayed in the movies for fifty years. I had to put a lot of stuff in my mouth."

"Too much information Shelly, too much information."

Today's Gratuitous Bathtub photo asks: Why does Michael H hate her so much?

Yeah, why does Michael H hate her? If you know who she is, you will know why.

It's all there in black and white.

"Hello Selina, so nice of you to show up."

"Why? Didn't you like my friend Jane. She liked you. Very much. Much more than that pansy lieutenant of hers. F-Troop my sweet white ass."

"Errr, yes Selina, let's not go there. Why are you sitting so high up today?"

"Oh do you like the view Trey. I just like to stretch my legs. I just shaved and they are so soft and velvety. I love to rub one up against the other, it gives me such a warm tingly feeling."

"Errr me too... I mean but you really should not be on that stool."

"Why are so interested in my stool Trey. You know that was why I broke up with the Batman. He loved my stool. He was always after me giving him a Cleveland Steamer in his Bat Cave. The sick freak. Leave my stool alone Trey. Don't be a pervert. Please."

"Errr very well Selina."

"Great Trey. Would you like to see how soft my long legs are Trey. Here put your head here between my legs and I will rub you and then I will....Trey....Trey... why did you fall out of your chair again....boy I don't ever want to see you fall out of your stool. Hee."

Sign up here.

"Well if you want some you have to sign the board."

"Really, I've never heard of that before. Usually you just line up and I pick and we go to your room."

"No we are very careful. We have a sign up board. Oh and we take your picture. For security purposes only. But we can skip that if you want."

"Baby you're golden. You are my golden girl."

"Yeah right. Just go in the room and strip. I have to wash your pecker first."

"I love the sixties."

I hope he blogs from the road soon!

I hope Michael H and the missus get on the road soon and blog about their adventures! That was compelling reading and we all miss it.

Hopefully he will make another road trip now that he is fully recovered.

Can't wait for spring.

Who's Mother is this? What a pair edition.

This one should be easy. Extra points if you can name those puppies!

Remembrances of Things Pabst

So we haven't been in the wine and cheese place for a couple of weeks because we have been busy with the holidays and work and what not. But after being somewhat disappointed in the What Not to Wear episode we decided to drown our sorrows.

We get there and place is kind of empty. There is only this hipster dofus couple and quiet meek serial killer guy who is always there eating his lonely meal contemplating slicing up little girls. We sit down and get some wine. And lo and behold she had lentil soup that she made especially for me.

So we are sitting there and the wife is staring at the hipster dofus couple. The wife goes to me "Hey that girl looks exactly like the crazy American Idol girl who got hit by a truck." "Who Alexis Cohen? The girl who gave Simon the Finger?" "Yeah her. Do you think she would be mad if I ask her to stand up and give me the finger with both hands and yell out Fuck You Simon? I can take a picture." "I don't think they have a sense of humor honey. Somehow I don't think that they are going to appreciate it. Let it lay ok?" "But why not, com'on let's ask them." "Eat your panini and cut it out. If you want I will ask the serial killer guy to talk about rabbits." "You're no fun."

Did I ever tell you my wife is crazy?

Thanks!

Dust Bunny Queen said...

I saw the show and thought the lace dress, that she didn't buy, was really attractive. We were watching,or rather I was watching and my husband was patiently checking the internet on his laptop while the show was on and listening to me blather on about the fashions and styles. I went....HEY...That's Trooper York's and his wife's shop. Lee Lee's Valise!! Very cool. I was hoping to see one or both of you in the show, but I guess they don't let the 'shop owners'appear. Congratulations.

The shop owners never appear unless they shoot a "check out" scene where the subject is paying for the goods and since the narrative was that she couldn't find anything they didn't use that even though they shot it. I never appear as I am in the back room but Lisa is in some background shots of the later episodes as we are on three more shows.

It's funny. When Stacy and Clinton were in the show for shop day two they were talking and laughing with Lisa and when the director called them over they both put their arms around her and said "Why can't she just be on camera with us. That would be great." But the big cheese nixed it. You never know. They might shake up the format next year.

I however will never appear on camera. I have to lay low. Too many skeletons.

I once shot a man in Reno just to see him die.

PS to Dust Bunny Queen: Thanks for watching. Check out what she bought at the TLC What Not to Wear website when they put up this episode.

No good deed goes unpunished

Well if you saw the "What Not to Wear" episode with Courtney last night it seemed like a let down for us. They made it appear that she didn't buy any clothes in the store which was not the case. So here's some inside TV dope.

You see when they have a "reality show" they have a narrative they have to follow. If the kids at the house on "Jersey Shore" went to the library instead of the club and spent all their time playing chess they wouldn't have a show. So Courtney's narrative like most of the subjects on the show was that she couldn't find any clothes. Which was not true but it flowed better if she was shown as being depressed and despondent until Stacy and Clinton came in and saved the day.

Now we love Stacy and Clinton and they showed us the love as they always do. In the show they said on camera how the black lace dress was great and Clinton said there were several great dresses she should have bought. Well in fact she did buy two of them and wore them in the last two minutes of the show and held one of them up when they were showing what she bought. She also bought a lot of jewelry and all of it will be detailed on the TLC What Not to Wear website.

The problem that Courtney has is that she is a size ten on the top but a sixteen on the bottom in the hips and thighs. She is the classic pear shape and the Lisa Wrap Dress and the Lauren in the Rust Polka dot fit her perfectly. The Wrap Dress is the go-to dress for a pear shape as you can manipulate how you tie it to give you the right fit. The Lauren dress has a gentle A-line that skims the body but really flatters a pear shape. Because she was so small on the bottom they were able to get a lot of inexpensive pieces at Loehmans and Century 21. When they detail the cost of some of her jackets and tops they were $25 or less. Now if you read the TLC website you have people complaining even about those prices! You see in the retail environment here places like Old Navy are selling stuff for $5 it is a very tough market. If you buy that $5 t-shirt you have to realize that it is going to fall apart after you wash it two or three times. I mean it comes from China and the wholesale price is probably $2.50 since they buy in such great volume. So it is pretty difficult when you are selling stuff that is made in America and has a higher price point. Don't get me wrong, our customers love our stuff especially the private label once they sample it and see how well it wears and how it is made. But it is still a struggle.

Now why I titled this post "No good deed goes unpunished" was because we weren't supposed to on this episode at all. But when Stacy saw Courtney, she knew that she was going to be an extremely hard fit on her bottom half. That is why she kept repeating "you can shop in the regular stores for the top but you need to go to the plus stores for the bottom." So Stacy told the line producer "Call Lisa, tell her it is an emergency and we need her." So we dropped everything and were ready for them the next day. But the director and the narrative made it look like she didn't buy anything. Nice. Thank God for Stacy and Clinton setting it straight in the dialogue as they looked at the film of shop day one. That saved it. I can always count on them. The writers and producers, not so much.

You never know what footage they are going to use or how it is going to come out. We prefer to be shop day Two because then Stacy and Clinton are in the store and they always find clothes they want to praise on camera. But when you are dealing with an unknown it is difficult. We promoted this appearance and it was kind of disappointing since they told us we had a reveal outfit when we didn't and we thought they were going to feature our crocodile belt which Courtney loved. We have one other shop day one and two shop days two. In one of the shop day two's the subject was a bit of a problem so that is also something we are worried about. I guess you have to rely on the maxim that any publicity is good publicity.

You see most people don't know diddley about plus clothing. I know entirely too much about it for a non gay dude. That's why Lisa has to have her own show.

Good luck to those Packer's fans.

I know a lot of youse guys are Packers fans so I wish you good luck.

You might need it.

Today's Gratuitous Bath Tub Photo: Cedarford would be pissed.

If Cedarford visited today, he would be pissed. Here is Howard from one of my favorite shows

"The Big Bang Theory" in his fantasy bath tub scene with science fiction hottie Kattee Sackhoff.

Tyler Perry's Celebrity Camel Toe

I don't think I am going to comment.

Make up your own jokes.

They don't do that anymore!

I was watching the People's Choice Awards the other night and I think the peoples have been choosing the wrong stars let me tell you. It just isn't like it used to be.

Lady Gaga and Paris Hilton and the girls from Jersey Shore just aren't cutting it. Just sayn'

Hey who's mom is this?

Wait a minute. Who's mom is this. I bet blake knows. I gave a big hint. Well two hints. I just won't point out what they are so you are on your own.

Lee Lee's on What Not to Wear Tonight

Lee Lee's Valise will be on TLC's "What Not to Wear" tonight at 9pm EST and repeated at 11pm. We were on shop day one where the subject comes out to shop on her own based on the "rules" that Stacy and Clinton give her.

The subject this time was Courtney from Atlanta who had lost 170 pounds and went on a kick of wearing sexy lacy club clothes all the time even at work which was problematic because she worked in a bank. So she had to get more normal appropriate work attire. It was a shame because the first dress she got was the Boudoir Lace Dress which fit her like a glove as she was still a pear shape and that dress was very sexy and flattering.

She eventually picked our "West Side Story" Lisa Wrap Dress that was so popular that we recut it and wonder of wonders we have some to sell in the store. Usually they pick something that we have already sold out before the show airs and we don't have any to sell. Lisa helped her out by accessorizing it with our exclusive Crocodile Belt that we have custom made for the the larger plus sizes.

Courtney also picked a Rust Polka Dot Lauren Dress that is extremely popular with the black girls because it really shows off their skin tones in a very flattering way.

When they film we never know how it will be cut so we don't know how much of it will make it to air. We will be on much less than usual because we were shop day one, but we know one of the dresses will be a "reveal" outfit where she comes out at the end of the show to display how she has found a new style and learned what to wear. So it will be interesting to see what makes the cut.

The funniest thing was that she also bought a load of accessories like necklaces and bracelets so we decided to have an accessories sale this weekend with 20% off all pocketbooks, gloves, hats, jewelry, and belts. Let's hope we get a bounce from the show.

Anyway check it out tonight!

But quick!

Or Butt quick! Guess who's mother this is in this shot. Hee,hee.

I sorry sir but you weren't clear on the phone?

"I sorry sir but you weren't clear on the phone?"
"Did you order nipples or dimples?"

It's all there in black and white

"Hello Selina lets start...wait a minute... you are not Selina? Who are you?"
"Oh I'm Jane. Selina couldn't make it today...she said something about world domination or exterminating a bat or something...anyway I am here for her session."
"Well this is highly irregular but I guess it will be ok. So tell me a little about yourself."
"Well I am self employed in the transportation business but I have a problem with my boyfriend. I think he might be gay."
"Why do you think that Jane?"
"Well he never touches me and he is always hanging out with his work buddies and going up to Indian village. I mean how many time can you go to the sweat lodge already?"
"Yes that seems quite suspicious. And you are a very attractive young woman."
"Why thank you Doctor, you know Selina said I could call you Trey."
"That's fine."
"And she said I should give you my box, it sweet and tasty...Trey...Trey...Doctor are you alright...I was just going to give you this candy...oh my you don't look so good."

Gratuitous Bathtub Photo; That's too realistic edition

Today's Gratuitous Bathtub Photo; That's too realistic edition!

I mean I know she is in the bathroom and all but why do they have to show us a turd on the bathroom floor.

That's too realistic dude!

Hell needs a new PA Announcer

(Hells waiting room)
Lucifer: Damn we have been getting nothing but losers lately. Who’s up next Forcas?
Forcas: We have famous lesbian socialite and band-aid heiress Casey Johnson.
Lucifer: Jeez not another lesbian. I had enough problems with regular broads. Lesbians are twice the trouble. They are just a pain the ass getting all feminist and shit. At least the gay dudes don’t butch it up too much for crying out loud.
Forcas: I believe she is a lipstick lesbian my lord.
Lucifer: Lipstick, dipstick it’s the same kettle of fish. So to speak. I just don’t want to hear it you know. I mean this is Hell and all but what the hell do I have to about how the woman’s Hell softball team should get the same stadium as the football teams. Who the fuck wants to watch field hockey anyway? Except as punishment. And those freakin’ sandals they wear, what’s up with that shit, why don’t we get a royalty on that shit since it was designed right here in hell. I mean com’on enough already. I tell you I am really not looking forward to when Rosie O’Donnell shows up. That’s gonna suck.
Forcas: But my lord, Eleanor Roosevelt is one of your favorite denizens of the Underworld. As is Marlene Dietrich.
Lucifer: Well shit yeah. Eleanor is always ready for a party. I mean the stuff she does with the dog from the little rascals is funny shit. And Marlene sings that sad shit and Hitler and Goebbels and all the boys get all sad and weepy, I mean you need that in hell. Well send in this hosebag and let’s get the show on the road.
Forcas: Yes master.
Casey Johnson: What’s going on? Where am I?
Lucifer: You’re in hell beyotch. Where did you think you were? West Covina?
Casey Johnson: How can this be Hell? I was sure Paris and Bijou would be here before me?
Lucifer: Don’t worry, Paris will be along directly. She still has to have her marriages to Tiger Woods and two out of three of the Jonas brothers before she has that unfortunate botox tragedy. Now go and read the announcements and we can see if your life can be a little easier around here.

Casey Johnson: Okay Lucy-kins….ATTENTION…ATTENTION….ALL THE TOURTURED SOULS IN HELL…..Like well you know…will Senators Tom Dodd, Al Gore Sr. and Prescott Bush report to the “My son is a douche room” to watch videos of happy fathers and sons opening Christmas presents not found in brown paper bags….totally…will Arnold Rothstein, Lucky Luciano and John Gotti report the accounting department to work on the budget…will…..like…oh my God….Marilyn Monroe is here… uuhhh will Miss Norma Jean report to the wind tunnel with fifty candles to try to light the candles in the 50 mile an hour wind ….and like will that gnarly Sammy Davis Jr. report to the snow globe for a three way with Catherine the Great and Trigger.
Lucifer: That was terrible. What are you a fuckin’ Valley girl? That’s so fucking eighties you douche. I mean I know you suffered a lot in life having to lick that Tia Tequila and all but this is not acceptable. Take her away boys.(Two burly demons grab her and drag her away)
Casey Johnson: Wait, let me try again…my daddy’s rich…he can get you Viagra and stuff…no wait….sssssstttttttoooopppppppppp!!!!!!!
Lucifer: Jeeeez I hate when they beg. Man I can't wait till Seacrest gets here. Hey I know. It’s hard to torture someone who had their head up Tia Tequlia’s cootch but I got the perfect punishment. Let her watch her father’s Jet’s team in their big playoff loss this week. On an endless loop. Same old Jet’s. Now that’s some punishment. Hee.

Sorry I have been real busy!

I am sorry I haven't been posting a lot lately but I have been really busy and a little under the weather.

I promise I wasn't navel gazing.

Damn that Instapundit.

Damn that Instapundit. He refuses to link to cool sites like the Crack Emcee, Ace, and of course yours truly because he is a Family blog. Seriously?

I mean everybody knows he only links to that evil blogger lady because he confused her with Aunt Peg.

And who says the Crack Emcee ain't a family blog? What's up with that?

You make the call!

In response to our old friend 1jpb's protests I would like to shamelessly indulge myself and ask for your opinion as to which of my little vignettes is the most nasty, politically incorrect and of course fun. Of course all three things go together. So vote wisely grasshoppers. Your choices

Tales of Amy's Garden (Things are not as they seem)

Laura Bush's Diary (what's an ex first lady going to do about her underpants)

Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend (Joe and Marilyn's life at Toot's)

It's all there in black and white. (Julie and Trey together again)

Hell Needs a New PA Announcer (Hey if you can't mock the recently deceased who can you mock)

Get to it!

First Blood is the best blood

Well our blood poll was a runaway. Everybody loves Rambo. The results:

Rambo First Blood 18

Blood Simple 4

In Cold Blood 4

Bloodsucking Clowns from Outer Space 2

Blood and Sand 1

I guess everybody likes steriods. Hee.

Tyler Perry's White House of Pain

(Family quarters, downstairs at the Hilton Hawiian Village)
Michelle Obama: (walking in back from the beach) Mama I‘m home from the beach!
Marian Robinson (Michelle’s mom) Thank God you are finally home. Where have you been? You can’t have been on the beach all this time. You know black folks are scared of the ocean. And it’s not like you need to get a tan. Not like that pale ass husband of yours.
Michelle Obama: Now Mama don’t be calling him that. He’s the President of the United States after all.
Marian Robinson: Big deal. Like that means anything. I told you that you should have hooked up with that Eddie Murphy when he first came on Saturday Night Live. You knows he likes the Tranny look!
Michelle Obama (under her breath) Not that again. (In a normal voice) Now Momma you know that it was that nasty Joe Piscapo that was after me and that Eddie was way too young. I was already with Barack then.
Marian Robinson: You mean you were with Barry because that was his name then before he changed it to Barack X or whatever it may be. Now where is that bean pie bow tie wearing numbnuts? Don’t you see that some African boy tried too blow up an airplane with a dick bomb? Your Auntie Madea is besides herself considering we be flying home to Atlanta soon for a family reunion. Madea….Madea get out here …..Michelle is home.
Madea: Michelle, what you fool husband trying to do letting African boys with a dick bomb on to the airplane. How am I going to get to Atlanta with dicks exploding all over the place?
Michelle Obama: Now Auntie you must know that the President is not responsible for all of that. He has people.
Madea: He has people? Who is he H&R Blockhead? What’s the matter with you? Get him up here right now I have to straighten his boney ass out.
Michelle Obama (picks up phone) Hi, can you ask the President to come to the cottage. I think he is out on the beach with the girls. Thank you.
President Barrack Obama: (Comes rushing in) Is every thing OK? They told me it was an emergancy.
Michelle Obama: My auntie wants to talk to you.
President Barrack Obama (mutters under his breath) Oh shit. What now!
Madea: What did you say you Louie Farakan looking mofro?
President Barrack Obama: Now Auntie Madea. You do know that I am President of the United States. You might show me just a little respect.
Madea: You want respect. I give you respect when you make sure that no African boys be bringing dick bombs on the plane.
President Barrack Obama: Now Auntie please, what do you mean by that? The system worked.
Madea: The system worked. What system you big dummy? What’s the problem you can’t have them checking them African dicks. Your mama didn’t have no problem checking them out. That’s how you got here in the first place.
President Barack Obama: I don’t have to take this. Leave my mother out of this. You finally crossed the line this time Madea. (He storms out of the room)
Madea: Where you going you pansy ass fool? Marian get my 6 iron. I gonna go all Mrs. Tiger Woods on his ass. Who do he think he talkin to!

God bless Omar Mineya!

God bless Omar Mineya. The Mets just had a press conference to introduce their new left fielder and out came Richard Bey. When they asked Omar why he signed Richard Bey instead of Jason Bey, he just said:

"Que?"

Return of insomnia theatre!

So we had a return of insomnia theatre last night.

You see we were so exhausted that we slept until 3 in the afternoon on New Years Day and the wife couldn't go to sleep. Me, I can go to sleep anywhere anytime. But she wasn't able to drop off so she put on the Twilight Zone marathon on the cable. Now that's fine as far as it goes but periodically she would elbow me and ask me who the actor or actress was in the show. "Hey it's the Odd Couple guy?" "Jack Klugman."
"Captain Kirk." "William Shatner." "The gay guy from Butch Cassidy." "I don't know it could be either one, leave me alone."

But finally they had the one where this Joey Gallo guy dies and thinks he is in heaven. He wins at gambling and has all these broads and a great hotel suite all set up by this chubby bearded dude all dressed in white. The twist was that he wasn't in heaven but instead he was in hell where he got everything he wanted and was bored to death. So the wife elbows me and says "I know that guy who is it?" "I go it is Sebastien Cabot, you know Mr. French the butler guy." "Oh yeah that's right." "But this episode is bullshit." "What do you mean?" "Listen everybody knows Buffy was Satan."

Gratuitous bathtub photo: freezing my balls edition.

It is really freakin cold in Brooklyn tonight. On my way to the 5:30 mass I almost freezed my cujonees off. I went now instead of in the morning because I wanted to sleep a little later and it is supposed to be even colder.

Oh by the way, what movie is this bathtub of ice from?

Wait that's too easy. Ok, who is the directors wife? If you are a fan of this blog you know that she made me take many a cold shower. So to speak.

Hey where are my presents?

It's the day you have to bring the traditional presents and I bet only Ruth Anne can guess what they are?

Starting the new year with a bang!

So the software I have for my point of sales system did not take into account that 2009 was a 52 week year and I can't get any of my reports. They sent out an email that said that they would have a patch soon but still not yet. So I can't look at my end of year numbers or compare to the prior year or anything.

What a pain in the ass.