Forcas: Will you be interviewing any new announcers my dread Lord? I know you like to take Memorial Day weekend because you love a great barbeque.
Lucifer: That’s OK. I am kind of bored. Plus I always have to work the holidays. Being the devil is like working retail.
Forcas: Well we just got three new possibilities that might be coming to us after processing. We have the humorist, epically bad father and kid toucher Art Linkletter. Then we have psycho villain actor and drug abuser Dennis Hopper. And of course we have the midget hottentot former child star Gary Coleman.
Lucifer: What chu talkin about Forcas? Gary is here. Get that midget motherfucker out here right now!
Forcas: Yes mi lord.
Gary Coleman: (tumbles through the trap door to fall in front of the throne of Lucifer) What…What’s Happening!
Lucifer: Jeeez Gary don’t steal Re Runs line. He’s in heaven anyway. The big guy loves the fat ones. It’s the skinny nasty bitches that he sends to me. And the midgets. Man he hates midgets.
Gary Coleman: But what the hell am I doing here in Hell!
Lucifer: You are meeting your Lord. Me. Satan. Bezelbub. Old Scratch. You know the Devil. Lucifer. Lu-Lu to my favorite Demons. But you can call me your Dread Lord.
Gary Coleman: But what did I ever do to deserve this. Everybody always screwed me over. My parents. My agents. My wifes and girlfriends. All they ever did is exploit me.
Lucifer: Boy are you one dumb bitch. Sure they screwed you over. But didn’t you ever hear the line ”you can’t cheat an honest man?” Well you were a major league scumbag. When that dumb twat Dana Plato offed herself the only thing you worried about is if it would affect it would have on you getting another gig. And all those women you got drunk and fucked because they thought you were cute little Arnold Drummond and not a three foot tall human hard on.
Gary Coleman: Damn man that ain’t right. You mean I am stuck here burning my chocolate ass through all eternity.
Lucifer: Yeah that’s about the size of it. Get it. The size of it. I crack myself up sometimes. Anyway don’t complain. I have been mixing up the troops lately and I need some new midget demons. You know like the big guys got all the cherubs and shit. I need some cute little demons and you might just fit the bill.
Gary Coleman: Hey why not, I need the gig. What does it entail?
Lucifer: Why looking mean and torturing people and generally being a no good bastard. Sort of like being Hillary Clinton. Think you can handle it?
Gary Coleman: No problem. I will just channel my agent.
Lucifer: Cool. Put your game face on. I am going to send you to torture Andrew Dice Clay’s dreams. I know he is scared of midgets. And black guys. So you are a twofer. I just love the fact that I invented affirmative action. Hee.
Lucifer: That’s OK. I am kind of bored. Plus I always have to work the holidays. Being the devil is like working retail.
Forcas: Well we just got three new possibilities that might be coming to us after processing. We have the humorist, epically bad father and kid toucher Art Linkletter. Then we have psycho villain actor and drug abuser Dennis Hopper. And of course we have the midget hottentot former child star Gary Coleman.
Lucifer: What chu talkin about Forcas? Gary is here. Get that midget motherfucker out here right now!
Forcas: Yes mi lord.
Gary Coleman: (tumbles through the trap door to fall in front of the throne of Lucifer) What…What’s Happening!
Lucifer: Jeeez Gary don’t steal Re Runs line. He’s in heaven anyway. The big guy loves the fat ones. It’s the skinny nasty bitches that he sends to me. And the midgets. Man he hates midgets.
Gary Coleman: But what the hell am I doing here in Hell!
Lucifer: You are meeting your Lord. Me. Satan. Bezelbub. Old Scratch. You know the Devil. Lucifer. Lu-Lu to my favorite Demons. But you can call me your Dread Lord.
Gary Coleman: But what did I ever do to deserve this. Everybody always screwed me over. My parents. My agents. My wifes and girlfriends. All they ever did is exploit me.
Lucifer: Boy are you one dumb bitch. Sure they screwed you over. But didn’t you ever hear the line ”you can’t cheat an honest man?” Well you were a major league scumbag. When that dumb twat Dana Plato offed herself the only thing you worried about is if it would affect it would have on you getting another gig. And all those women you got drunk and fucked because they thought you were cute little Arnold Drummond and not a three foot tall human hard on.
Gary Coleman: Damn man that ain’t right. You mean I am stuck here burning my chocolate ass through all eternity.
Lucifer: Yeah that’s about the size of it. Get it. The size of it. I crack myself up sometimes. Anyway don’t complain. I have been mixing up the troops lately and I need some new midget demons. You know like the big guys got all the cherubs and shit. I need some cute little demons and you might just fit the bill.
Gary Coleman: Hey why not, I need the gig. What does it entail?
Lucifer: Why looking mean and torturing people and generally being a no good bastard. Sort of like being Hillary Clinton. Think you can handle it?
Gary Coleman: No problem. I will just channel my agent.
Lucifer: Cool. Put your game face on. I am going to send you to torture Andrew Dice Clay’s dreams. I know he is scared of midgets. And black guys. So you are a twofer. I just love the fact that I invented affirmative action. Hee.
2 comments:
I thought Coleman was sort of famous for being sexually ... restrained? Am I wrong? Or did it change?
No he still liked to be tied up.
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