Laura Bush's Diary

So anyhoo the girls and I were getting ready for our annual Super Bowl party and we went out to Costco. We had to stock up on the Lone Star Beer and the nacho chips and that piss Mountain Dew that W likes to drink ever since he went on the wagon. Thank God his parents aren’t coming this year. I really don’t want Barbara underfoot because then it would be all tequila shots and pork rinds and midget wrestlers. I am just jumping for joy that the bug eyed twat is staying with Jeb and Carmelita down in Florida.

We are loading the chips and the salsa and shit into the cart and I notice this woman pushing a cart filled with Depends and Cat food down the aisle and I had to wonder who was shopping for Peggy Noonan.
But doncha you know she looked real familiar. She sees me looking at her and tries to pretend that she doesn’t see me but we couldn’t avoid it as we had to pass each other in the aisle.

So she goes “Laura is that you? It’s me Susie.”
“Holy shit on a shingle is that you Susie. Susie Meredith. I heard that Dandy Don had passed. I am so sorry.”
“Thanks but we haven’t lived together for years.”
“Oh I am sorry to hear that. Well you take care now darling.”

When we get back in the car, Barbara goes to me “So who was that Mom?” Now Jenna doesn’t give a shit about stuff like that but Barbara is always very suspicious about people. She is like her grandmother that way. Old Barb is always asking who that was and what do they want. I guess she has a really guilty conscience the nasty old twat.

“Why that was Susie Meredith baby. She was Dandy Don Meredith’s wife. You know the ex-Dallas Cowboy quarterback and the guy who used to do Monday Night football with the nasty Hebe and horny old Frank Gifford.”
“Oh I love Frank Gifford,” piped up Jenna from the backseat. “I remember seeing that video with the stewardess that time. That ol’ boy was hung like a horse.” You see Jenna only worries about important stuff. Like cock size and where we can score some weed.
“So where do you know her from Momma,” piped up my prissy daughter.
“I didn’t really know her that well sugar. I knew Don from the old days before he stole her from her husband at the time. I think she was married before him to that actor from that movie with the all the monkeys in it. You know the one?”
“Who Charlton Heston from Planet of the Apes?”
“No not him the other movie with all the monkeys busting stuff up.”
“Who Danny Aiello?”
“No no his name was Kerry or Kier or some such shit. Whatever.”
“So old Dandy Don stole her away Momma.”
“Yeah and that was a big surprise to me let me tell you. A big surprise.”
I didn’t want to go into the details. But they were etched into my mind.

You see back in the day’s right after I left New York and went back to college I sort of lost contact with all my old girlfriends. It seemed we had all hooked up guys and you know what happens to your friendships with your girlfriends. It’s like that Sammie skank on Jersey Shore when was all up Ronnie’s ass and never had time for her girls. The only problem is that we were a little burned out and cynical from working the Peeps at Showworld. So the guys that got us going had to have a little kink. I mean all the girls used to give me shit because W was such a party animal. Especially in the bedroom. Plus the fact he liked to snort blow off my taint when he really got it going. But he turned out to be the tamest of the bunch.

You see Anita Gillette ended up in a master slave relationship with Bill Cullen. She had to humiliate herself but she got lots of gigs on game shows because Bill was a big deal with all that dreck. I mean she had to let him drop a Cleveland Steamer on her every Friday night but she got to be on the Match Game and Card Sharks and all kinds of shit and she made her way in Hollywood. So giving Gene Rayburn a golden shower will Bill fiddled with horn rims was just par for the course in TV Land.

Robyn Byrd was lost in her star crossed love affair with Soupy Sales. He was a furry and had her dress up all the time in various costumes. Like the Easter Bunny. Or the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. He was so weird that when she broke up with him and started hosting Midnight Blue she just thought hanging with Al Goldstein and oriental prostitutes with a little something extra were relatively normal. You know you where in a toxic relationship when hanging with a chick with a dick seems preferable. You know what I mean.

But of all the crazy relationships we had none of them was as bad as what happened to Joey Heatherton. You see we all thought it was very weird how she always hung out with her Dad the Merry Mailman. I just didn’t trust him. All of those kiddies’ hosts were stone freaks. So we encouraged her to go out and date and when she called us from her USO tour to say she met a football player we were all happy for her. Until we found out who it was.

You see she married Lance Rentzel who was a receiver for the Dallas Cowboys. Now the rumor always was that he was a wide receiver and that Dandy Don was the one who was getting him the balls in the right spot so to speak. Now we don’t care what floats your boat but we hoped that Joey would end up in a normal relationship. But Lance was in a weird symbiotic relationship thingy with Don Meredith the whole time he was on the Cowboys and a lot of people noticed it. I mean all the reporters ever wrote about was how they liked to share a whirlpool and went on vacations together and stuff. I mean some Sports Illustrated writer wrote a whole homo-erotic comedy book about it making fun of them but everyone knew it was them especially when they made that sucky movie. So when he married a sexpot like Joey Heatherton everyone was amazed. But it was the sixties and hot chicks were always marrying gay guys. I mean every movie Doris Day ever made was about that. But still and all we were all kind of shocked that Joey married Lance and we just hoped for the best.

The first couple of years seemed ok but then disaster struck. Lance was arrested for exposing himself. The funny part was that it was to a twelve year old girl. I mean it wasn’t funny-funny, it was weird funny. So Joey had to get a divorce and Lance was traded to the Chargers where everyone dumped their problems. And Dandy Don was heartbroken. So much so that he went out and stole that actor’s wife and stuff. The funny thing she was a dead ringer for Lance Rentzel. Well expect for the fact she wasn’t flashing her wiener. I think.

But like everything else that was a long time ago and everyone has forgotten the particulars. Dandy Don is worm food and Susie is stocking up on Meow Mix and Depends at Costco. I have to get back to the Super Bowl party. I really hope that the Packers lose. Who wants to hear those Cheese Heads saying “Did I tell you lately that the Packers won the Superbowl” all year long.

I think I will just have to spill some salsa on my twat and let W dip his chips and lap it up like the old days. After all this is a retro Super Bowl after all.

And I know that W would like it. It’s crazy that we are the only couple that is still together after all these years. He is still my freaky Valentine.