Laura Bush's Diary

So we are up at Kennebunkport this July 4^th because W’s folks are getting up there so we don’t know how long they will be around. Now we all love Poppy and we want to hang with him as much as possible but his bug eyed bitch of a wife is gonna outlive us all. I mean fueled with tequila and downers she is gonna be older than dirt for crying out loud.

But be that as it Willie Mays we were all sitting around the yard having a barbecue. Jeb’s wife Juanita was whipping up a batch of tamales and burritos and some shit like that there and we were knocking back the Lone Star and PBR’s munching on pork rinds and farting. We shot the shit about a lot of stuff. The gays are all getting married in New York. Wondering if Eddie Koch is gonna send us an invitation to his nuptials. That stupid Frog who stuck his dick in the face of that maid in New York. And all the political news. Then the talk turned to the courts and what not.

First we all laughed about those douches out in Wisconsin. It seems they were smacking each other around and what not and getting all the bloggers all excited about the bullshit going on. Then Poppy spoke up from his rockin’ chair. “Why that’s nothing kids. You know that there is a lot of violence going on the Supreme Court right now even as we speak.”

Now I couldn’t let that go without asking. You see Poppy has a lot of friends on both sides of the aisle and everybody tells him what’s going on. I mean after all he is America’s elder stateman. Who are they going to go to for advice? Jimmy Carter? You got to be kidding? Bill Clinton? Well if you want to know how to get a blow job from the maid he’s your go to guy. But most everyone else in the government both Republican and Democrat go to Poppy for advice.

“What do mean Poppy? Is Clarence getting frisky with the clerks and their coke cans or what?” I asked.

“No it’s not Clarence. It’s that Ruth Buzzi Ginsberg. She is always hauling off and hitting everyone with her string pocket book. It can be a real pain in the ass” laughed Poppy.

“Wait. Who? I thought her name is Ruth Bader Ginsberg” blurted out Jeb. You see poor Jeb is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. I mean when he stuck his dick in the maid he had to marry her.

“That’s her married name from her second marriage” said Poppy. “Her real name was Ruth Buzzi. She used to be on that show Laugh In back in the 1960’s”

“I didn’t know that Dad” W piped up as he was scarfing up a pork rind and cutting a loud one. “Didn’t you go out there with Tricky Dick when he went on the show in 1968?”

“Yes I did son. I was just a young whippersnapper then and I was part of Nixon’s advance team. My Dad sent me out to keep an eye on Nixon for the Tri-lateral commission. Him and Meyer had bought and paid for him and they didn't want to get fucked. That was my first real experience with Hollywood. They were all sucking up to Dick because he was just elected President. All of the girls were hitting on him. Judy Carne wanted hime to fix her visa. Joanne Worley. Even Goldie Hawn took a shot. But Dick was pretty straight so to speak. Until the cast party when everybody got piss ass drunk. I mean Nixon wasn’t a drinker. He ordered a Virgin Mary but Ruth Buzzi spiked it and after two of them he was smashed. She maneuvered him out of the room into her dressing room. Now the Secret Service wasn’t as strict as they are now. So they let the principal do whatever they wanted as long as they thought it was harmless. I mean what would Ruth Buzzi do? But my Dad Prescott told me to keep him out of trouble. I was distracted because I was talking to Agnes Moorhead who was a guest that week.”

“Yes that fucking whore” screeched old Barb from her wheelchair. “You always had the hots for that slut!”

“Now, now Barb calm down. That was 60 years ago for crying out loud. You need to stop it. Do I bust your chops about Sky Low Low anymore? There is a such a thing as a statue of limitations” Poppy yelled back.

“They can make a Statue of Limititations of your Dick you wimpy Cocksucker” replied my nasty old bag of a mother-in-law “It would be a tiny one you fuck.” But she got distracted when WWE Raw came on and turned away to the TV.

“Anyway” Poppy continued “When I noticed Dick was missing I went looking for him. And I saw under this curtain there was a pair of wing tipped shoes with a pair of pants dropped on them. So I pulled the curtain and there was Dick. And Ruth. And she was giving him the Rusty Trombone. Well pandemonium ensued.”

We all broke up and laughed our ass off. “So what happened next Poppy” I asked?

“Well we got him out of there and made sure that we wouldn’t let Ruth Buzzi have any further contact with him. She called and wrote and came to the White House and everything. She even blew Bebe Robozo to try to get close to Dick. So to speak. But we were able to block any contact with her. E Howard Hunt got some photos of her giving a Cleveland Steamer to Fred Silverman and we got her to back off. Eventually she got really frustrated. So she did what most frustrated failures do when they can’t get what they want. She went to law school and eventually became a law professor. And then they named her to the Court. And when the decisions don’t go her way she hauls off and hits them with her purse just like she used to do to Artie Johnson. She is a feeble old bitch so they don’t make a big thing out of it like they do in Wisconsin. But whenever one of the Justices has a shiner or a bruise you can bet it is because Ruth Buzzi Ginsberg hauled off and socked it to ‘em.”

So I guess Wisconsin is just following Supreme Court precedent. How about that?