Laura Bush's Diary

So I was away with the girls when we got the news that Betty Ford had croaked. You would think the old bitch would be well preserved in alcohol with all the tequila she used to drink but she finally gave up the ghost. I was invited to go to the funeral with all the other first ladies but I was with the twins, as they had some medical issues and I couldn’t leave them. Plus I didn’t want to get into it again with Michelle about the First Ladies Traveling Underpants so I decided to send W instead.

Now the girls are fine. In fact it is Barb who had the problem. We were getting her legs spread surgically since that’s the only way she is gonna spread them. I mean I have to get her married for crying out loud. Jenna isn’t giving me any grandchildren so I want to increase the odds that I can have a little grand baby before I get senile. So we are in Vegas at “American Restoration” so Rick can sand blast Barb’s twat open. The freakin’ thing is fused shut like Jimmy Carters pocketbook. Man is that fucker cheap. He made Roslyn take Greyhound to the funeral.

Anyhoo W likes all that funeral shit anyways. He is much more social than I am. Don’t get me wrong. I love to hang with our friends but a little of Nancy Reagan goes a long way. She is always whipping out her astrology chart and telling about the time she gave Robert Montgomery a rusty trombone. Seriously enough. I do miss Hillary. We love to do shots as we lounge around in our bras and panties and mock all of the men in our life. It takes me back to the days when Joey and Anita and Robyn and I were all working in the peep shows on 42^nd Street and we used to sit around the apartment shooting the shit. But she hung out with W at the service and they had a grand all time. They had to pass the time while they waited for the show to start so they started telling jokes to each other. Since Michelle was sitting right there they couldn’t tell the whole joke so they just told each other the punch lines. You know. “When the shift changes at the carwash.” “20 if you spread them real thin.””You put Velcro on the ceiling.” “Two dollars for you and two dollars for your son when he stops smoking.” They had a good laugh.

Michelle was bitchy as usual. She refused to talk to anyone and answered everyone in grunts and one word answers while she flexed her arms. I mean it’s like she is the Hulk or something. What the fuck? You ain’t gonna get the First Lady’s Traveling Underpants if you are gonna act like that. I mean Edith Wilson didn’t get them and was actually the fuckin’ President for awhile there. You need to get along with people if you want them to do nice things for you.

That’s what W specializes in. Getting along with people. He has a lot more patience than me. He would joke with Hillary and listen to Nancy babble and even had a good word or two to say to Michelle. He sorta smoothed everything over so the First Ladies could get along. He told me it was a bad episode of the Golden Girls.

I still haven’t decided if I am going to pass on the First Ladies Traveling Underpants to Michelle or not. You know I said I was gonna listen to the other girls to agree. Now Roslyn doesn’t know about it since Betty Ford refused to give it to her since she hated her southern fried ass. Strangely enough Betty was the only one who wanted to give it to Michelle. Hillary hates her ass and Nancy goes both ways. I mean so does Hillary but that’s not what I mean. Sometimes Nancy says let have it and sometimes she says no. It all depends on what her astrologer says. He is some black crack head musician out in Oakland who pretends to hate cults but who really spends all his time working as Madame Cleo and telling fortunes. Right now she is against it. I would ask that bug eyed twat of a Mother in Law because I will never do anything she would want me to do. So right now its looks bad for Michelle.

I wonder if Todd Palin will wear them?