Hell Needs a New PA Announcer

Lucifer: This is getting ridiculous. How is it we can’t find anybody to be the new PA announcer. I mean how hard can it be? I can’t keep waiting for Seacrest that midget twerp. At least I can torture him by sending that big lipped mo and that big ass ho to torture his balls. And fuckin Dick Clark is a demon who has about another sixty five years doing New Year’s Eve. I had to trade that with the big guy cause he used to love American Bandstand. Something about high school girls in Catholic school uniforms that just gets to him. But lets not go there. Anyhoo who came down the chute today Forcas?

Forcas: Well my Dread Lord it seems we have another lesser demon of the Kennedy clan. This time the ghost writer Theodore Sorenson.

Lucifer: Oh cool. Another asshole for the Nixon wing. Get him in here.

Forcas: Right away my dread (a bow tied communist sympathizer rolls down the chute and on to the floor)

Theodore Sorenson:Where am I? What’s happening?

Lucifer: Hey Teddy. You are in hell. I am in charge here. But you lucked out. The position of PA Announcer is open and I am going to let you audition. I mean you were that douche Kennedy’s ghost writer so you should have a way with words. Now that you are dead you can be a real ghost writer. Get it? A real Ghost writer. I crack myself up.
Forcas: Very droll sire.

Theodore Sorenson: Hell? What the Hell am I doing in Hell? I should be in heaven. I lead a good life. I did everything I was supposed to do. How could I end up here? I was on the right side of every issue in the past sixty years. I was a good liberal progressive person.
Forcas: Oh shit, this isn’t going to go good.
Lucifer: WHAT ARE YOU…A FUCKIN” IDIOT! THIS IS HELL DOUCHEBAG NOT MEET THE FUCKING PRESS!
Forcas: Perhaps I should have the assistant demons take him to the Nixon wing my Lord?
Theodore Sorenson: The Nixon Wing? Oh my being I never believed in because I was an atheist but just pretended so we would get votes. You mean I have to be in hell with that dirty gang of Nixon cohorts? I did the right thing. I always contributed to NPR and read the New York Times. And my eternal reward is that now I have to spend the rest of eternity listening to Nixon and Halderman and Erlichman?

Lucifer: You got it all wrong moron. Nixon isn’t in hell. He’s a freakin’ saint. The Big Guy loves him. They go for walks together on water wearing suits and wing tip shoes. Nixon tried to do nothing but good. But you commies kept stopping him. If it wasn’t for Nixon there would have been a nuclear holocaust and the world would have come to an end.
Theodore Soreson. But what about Watergate? And Impeachment? How could Nixon be a Saint.
Lucifer: It’s just the way it is you fuckin' witless commie douche bag. God only did that to Tricky Dick to make him humble. He had to learn humility before he could go to heaven. Not like the fucking Kennedy’s who were never humble a day in their fuckin lives. All they ever did was bootleg and rape and drown women and never said so much as I am sorry as they were braining some bitch with a golf club. So you get to spend the rest of eternity with scumbags like Jaworski and Archibald Cox and Earl Severiad and that prick Tim Russert and the twat that owned the Washington Post. And a whole shit pot full of Kennedy’s. Take him away boys.(two burly demons grab him and pull him away kicking and screaming)

Forcas: What should we do with him my Lord?

Lucifer: Put him in the car with Teddy, Jack, Bobby and Old Joe in the freaking wheelchair seat. You know the one. The one Teddy keeps driving off the bridge. I love to see them fighting to get out of that upside down car like crabs in a fuckin bucket.

Forcas: Perfect Sire.
Lucifer: Sometimes it’s good to be so bad. Hee. Now I have to go help the Giants win the World Series. I promised Nancy Pelosi so she would give me a hummer.