Saturday, December 19, 2009

Laura Bush's Diary


So W and I were watching the TV last night and trying to relax. We were watching this new sing-a-long show with these teams of mo’s singing acappella . It is a rip off of American Idol but instead they had these barbershop quartet geeks and college idiots prancing around the stage singing rock and roll hits. It was very entertaining watching people try to do difficult stuff when they have no freaking idea of what the fuck they are doing. You know like Barry O that fucking schmo.

Anyhoo they break in with this news bulletin about Barry going to Copenhagen to deal with this climate change bullshit. I mean seriously. These fucking scientists don’t know what the fuck they are talking about. One year the planet is cooling off too much and the next it is global warming. That’s why W never paid any attention to that bullshit. It is all a scam by the chinks and dot heads so we would stop our industrial production why they pollute the shit out of the environment and make lots of scratch. And this maroon Barry is falling for it like Tiger Woods for a two dollar hooker. Jeeez what a mess.

Now I don’t deny that climate change can be a big problem. I mean when you go from hot to cold too quick it can fuck you up let me tell you. I will never forget when I was up in New York one winter working the peeps with my friend Robin Byrd. We were roomies with Joey Heatherton and it was one fuckin freezing winter in that walk up we shared in Hells Kitchen. It seemed to snow every freaking day man. I mean the Hawk was blowing down on the Forty Duece and we were constantly getting a chill on our twats as we stood behind the glass chatting up the poor lost souls who would put a token in the slot for two minutes of conversation with a hot naked chick who would diddle herself while he watched.

So Joey comes into Show World to tell us some great news. She had scored us three tickets to fly down to Florida to entertain at this TV convention. You see her dad was the Merry Mailman and he got her the gig to entertain the independent TV stations convention in the Fontainebleau hotel. I asked her what the hell did we know about entertaining. I mean we weren’t singers or dancers like Joey. So what the hell were we gonna do. Joey said not to sweat it. All we had to do was wear revealing costumes and strut around and bend over and thrust our asses and vages out at the crowd and she would do the rest. So I mean we could handle that easy so we said it was on. ROAD TRIP!

We bundled ourselves up with our fishnet stockings and black leather miniskirts and fake rabbit fur coats and took Pan Am down to Miami Beach. But you know the climate change just was too much for us. I mean we all came down with these terrible colds. Sneezing and sniffling and runny noses. We really got sick because going from the snow to the hot sand just fucked us up big-time. I didn’t know if we could go on. But it was a really well paying gig and we couldn’t screw Joey so we decided we had to do it. I mean I knew I could handle it but Robyn was very shaky. Very skanky, but also very shaky. She goes “I don’t know Laura. I really have a bad cold. And it is not just a regular cold. I mean it’s just not my nose that’s running.” “What do you mean kid, not just your nose.” “Well my nipples are leaking too.” “Damn that’s fucked up. I mean you didn’t have a kid in the last couple of hours did you.” Robyn shook her head “Of course not silly. But that’s not the worst. I also have a runny twat.” “Shit I thought you went to the doctor to take care of that. They give you a shot and it all clears up.” Robyn got all red in the face “It’s not the clap Laura. God knows that I know what the clap feels like. This is something different. I seem to have a runny twat. I mean it is actually gushing. I don’t know what to do. I think the change in temperature from freezing in the snow to the heat of Miami gave me a cold in my cunt. What am I gonna do?” “Hey baby the show must go on.”

So we get into our skimpy costumes and go out on the stage to strut and shimmy and stick out our vages to the audience of drunken conventioneers from the Midwest. They ate it up. The finale was when Joey sang “Hey Big Spender” while rubbing her tits on the face of the Muriel Cigar guy who was buying advertising down there. He was eating it up. We were sweating and running around and I guess we got to close to the edge of the stage. As we bent over and thrust our twats at the audience Robyn just burst out a stream of fluid from her vage that the soaked this little old Jewish guy who was sitting in the front row. Got it all over his glasses and his bald head and his suit and everything. We didn’t know what to do so we ran back stage. We where shitting our pants until Joey’s father came back stage. “What a performance girls, that was unbelievable. Do you know who that old Yid was that you splashed Robyn?” “No not really. Was he somebody important?” “I say it was. That was Meyer Lansky. He owns this fuckin hotel. He is one of the top gangsters in the whole fuckin USA. Lucky for you he loved it. He wants to meet you. I am bringing him backstage.” So this little old guy comes back to talk to Robyn and they started whispering in the corner. He handed her his phone number and left.

When we got back to New York I got the scoop. You see Meyer hated himself and what he had become and he loved to be humiliated. So having Robyn squirt him with her vagina fluid made him happy in a sick sort of way. So whenever he was in New York she would go over to dance for him and give him a couple of squirts while he rubbed one out. Now he didn’t come up all that often cause the Feds were after him. He tried to immigrate to Israel but they wouldn’t take him and it became a whole big magilla. But he always had a soft spot for Robyn and he was sort of her “Godfather.” He got her a gig in porno’s and she got to star in “Debbie Does Dallas.” When she got too shopworn he got her the gig as a stunt cunt in a bunch of porno’s including the “Graffenberg Spot” which was all about spouting vaginas and stuff. His final present for her was getting her the gig on Midnight Blue. It was all because of Meyer and an accident that came about because of a cold in her cunt. Climate change strikes again.

I am feeling kind of hot and sweaty my own self. I think I will see what W is up too. He loves it when I am all hot and sweaty and dirty. I think it is time for me to change his climate. It is about to get really hot.

1 comment:

Trooper York said...

Nobody loves Laura.

Even when she dresses up.