So where was Trooper York.
No place good I'll tell ya.
There I was minding my own business watching that cheezy singing competition on Tuesday with my leg up on my easy chair. So I reach down to scratch my leg. And what do you know I start to bleed a little. I felt a little wetness and looked down and saw a little blood. You know like when you flick off a scab or something. So I think nothing of it and am watching some gay dudes from Tufts sing rock and roll acapella. Then I look down and it is really bleeding. So I get up and put my finger on the spot and walk into to the kitchen. When I take my finger off it starts to spurt out blood like crazy. Oh shit I say to myself. Did I scratch off an artery? There was blood all over the kitchen cabinet and a pool of it in my slippers and all over the floor. I put pressure back on it and go to my wife "Honey, you have to call 911." "She goes "Stop screwing around and while you up bring me some snacks.' "No I am serious." "What's the matter.' She comes in and sees the crime scene and starts screaming. "MY GOD WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOURSELF!!!" "Errr I scratched myself could you call 911 I can't take my finger off the cut ya know." She runs to call 911 and to get dressed as we would proably have to go to the hospital.
About five minutes later about 40 people show up. The Fire Department, the cops and the EMT"S. They take a look and we realize that I just hit it in a bad spot and nicked a varicose vein and it just started pouring out. The pressure I put on had already clotted it and the spurting action was just from my veins being engorged with blood I guess. I am supposed to have this operation for a about a year now to fuse a valve that would help with this problem but I haven' t had any time. Anyway everything was cool and I didn't have to go to the hospital or anything. They just put a pressure bandage on and told me to stay off my feet.
So the wife laid down the law because I had scared her. I had to be a good boy and lay in bed with my leg up and not blog or sit a the computer or go to work or walk around or do anything.
You see she can be pretty tough. She always told me "Get better.... I hate it when you are sick...I ain't no Amelia Earhart."
But she is still my cookie and she is taking care of me. So now I feel much better. That bloodletting kinda helped. Maybe Jason (the commentor) can recommend a good physician who still believes in bleeding and leeches. Hey if it was good enough for Edmund Burke it is good enough for me.
Now back to starlets in bathtubs and Julie Newmar.
18 comments:
Oh, that sounds horrible. I know you're okay (yay!), but stuff like that is scary. Listen to your wife!
Maybe Jason (the commentor) can recommend a good physician who still believes in bleeding and leeches.
I did recommend a barber to someone who did that sort of thing a few years ago, but never again. Andrew Sullivan hasn't been the same since.
...the spurting action was just from my veins being engorged with blood I guess.
What did you say you were watching?
Glad you're OK. Get well soon!
Hey I don't want to bleed from my couliee.
I am fine. I just had to take it easy if I didn't want to get thrown off the back of the pick up.
Jason is right. Always listen to your wife.
Jason is right. Always listen to your wife.
Jason has a wife?
Trooper,
Glad you're OK.
Who cleaned up the blood?
Leeches? You want leeches? And you run a business in New York City?
Get the damned operation. Some old lady I was ferrying in our soccer mom van to the installation of the new Pastor at our church a few weeks ago pulled the same stunt, and got blood all over the carpet. Another driver, who had been an EMT, said it looked like there was a gun fight in my van.
A priest came up and offered to anoint. I said, "Last rites? You've got to be kidding, Father" He said, "Haven't you heard? We now offer to anoint anyone who's bleeding badly, particularly if they're old."
And the only thing the sweet, 84-year-old Irish lady was concerned about was getting dispensation.
And I got the blood stains.
The operation to fix veins is quick and easy.
I had a number of internal veins repaired—which would have been major surgery 30 years ago—basically while I waited for the medical school class, for which I was Exhibit "A," to get thru the "How to Repair Blood Vessels Without Really Trying" lesson.
And not one of them even mentioned leeches.
Fuck Trooper - don't scare us like this. We need you around to amuse us! Get better buddy.
My mom just had the surgery. Piece o' cake, apparently. She was walking around shortly after and back to normal in just a few days.
My first thought was phlebitis which needless to say is serious. This sounds less so but get a couple of doc opinions. Pogo, where are you?
Ricpic:
Pogo said he will give a medical opinion to Trooper but he needs Trooper's insurance info first!
If I take the Atomic Catheter, your shrimpness can be deveined! Scampi on over to H-hizzy for dat trick that gets applied to your data, savvy?
Glad you're all right now! Scratching and have it bleed is the stuff of horror movies or nightmares.
Next thing that happens in such scenarios; you will have someone pull your finger and it will come off.
Next thing that happens in such scenarios; you will have someone pull your finger and it will come off.
That reminds me of a joke: What did the leper say to the whore?
"Next thing that happens in such scenarios; you will have someone pull your finger and it will come off."
Oh stop. Scare tactic!
I have this friend, Pinochio. Dude knows what he's made of, so to speak, and NO ONE messes with his sniffer, except the Disney types, and now Google, apparently?
Before you scratch yourself to death, Troop, may I suggest that you learn to ignore your "itch"?
No?
Go figure?
What's THAT about?
Trooper, aren't there some lovely stockings you can wear for varicose veins? Perhaps you can order some for the store and get 'em wholesale. I advise you to shave; hairy gams in stockings are a real turn off!
I'm glad you're okay, man.
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