Laura Bush's Diary

I was sitting on the porch at ranch with Jena and Doro and we had the bong out and a couple of bags of Dorito’s. Jena has cut back on the drinking now that she is a Mom and all but she still likes to get high. Baby Mila is a handful but a few tokes lets Jen relax and handle it without stressing too much. Unlike her sister who will need to heavily medicated if she ever gets a baby daddy.

Anyhoo W was off in the den doing an interview with Jack Tapper. The press is coming around and sniffing W’s butt like he was a rented dog being walked by some unemployed grifter because Barry is fucking up so bad that they have to cover his mulatto ass by going back ten years to pick at mistakes that we may have made. Plus they are always trying to trick W into saying something so they spin the news  cycle to attack him instead of the liar in chief.

When they were finished they came out on the porch for some Lemonade. W doesn’t drink anymore and he for sure doesn’t toke it up. But he is a lot more relaxed about it now since it is legal in so much of the country. So we don’t have to hide it like we were in a Cheech and Chong video. Of course if we were Doro would be giving the Chink a hummer because she loves her some tinyoriental dick.

W says “Well that was interesting honey. Tapper had a lot of questions but he mostly was trying to talk me about Jeb running. Bush vs. Clinton again. Hee. He thought I was going to trash my little brother like I was a Kennedy or something. What a maroon.”

“You can’t expect much from a reporter George. But then you can’t expect much from that pissant beaner loving brother of yours.”  “Now, now Laura darling don’t you go getting all riled up at poor Jebbie. You know he got ruined by the choocie –choocie.” “Ah shit W when you put it like that I can’t be arguing with you.” We laughed and laughed.

You see it all went back to the old days. W had graduated and finished his time in the Air National Guard. We were courting after old man Prescott Bush introduced us after I had met him at the Bohemian grove. I was going back to school because I couldn’t be married to a Bush with just a high school education and experience at the Peeps in Times Square. W would come by and we would hang out and have a few margaritas. Even so often his geeky little brother would tag along. While this was going on Poppy Bush had proposed W as a legacy inductee to the Bohemian Grove. Now technically you were supposed to be an accomplished businessman or soldier or tycoon of one sort or another but all the old families got their kids in when they turned twenty one. W was kind of star struck with some of the old men he met there. There was Nelson Rockefellerswho was a pussy hound of the first water and old Bob Taft who was such a symbol of old school GOP values that he gave W a chubbie. But his favorite friend of all time that he made in the Bohemian Grove was of course Joe DiMaggio.

Now Joe wasn’t your typical member of the club but all of those old coots were jock sniffers so they let in people like Joe and Ted Williams and Stan Musial. Not Willie Mays of course because he could only stand on the lawn and hold a lantern for those good old boys. Joe was very depressed ever since Marilyn died and he was out and about banging anything that moved. He would hang around with his friend Sinatra and they would pass the boards back and forth like they were baseball cards or some such. They went through all the slutty hose bags of those days. Mamie Van Doren. Anita Gillette. Mia Farrow. Juliet Prowse. Betty White. And of course my dear friend Joey Heatherton.

Joey was just as depressed as Jolt’n Joe because her marriage to Lance Rentzel had gone south when he got nabbed for being a weenie wagger. She had a long term affair with Bob Hope but that was more business than pleasure as she had to give him a Dirty Sanchez now and again so he would take her on his USO tours. They were tapering off though since Vietnam had ended and to be sure Bob little taper was tapering off since they hadn’t invented Viagra yet. Well they had invented it but only Armand Hammer and Nelson Rockefeller had it and they weren’t sharing. So Joey would hook up with random celebrities at various Hollywood parties. She even did it with Jake and Fatman and BJ and the Bear. But that is another story.

We were still tight as sisters from the days we used to share an apartment in New York and one day she called me up to invite me on cruise. It seems she was going to be on the “Love Boat” and she could invite some friends to serve as extras. This episode was a Canadian cruise out of New York that would stop over in Bar Harbor Maine which is just a hop and skip from Kennebunkport. So we decided to get on the ship and watch as they filmed the episode. The only problem was that Poppy and that bitch Babs were going away on a campaign swing and we had to watch Doro and that pissant Jeb.

We got on the ship and got our cabin and went down to watch the filming. You know about the ”Love Boat.” There were always three stories and they were broken into segments. One had Phil Silvers and Ethel Merman in an old age love story. The other had Joey hooking up with Bert Convey. And the best one was the one and only Charo who plays a young Cuban refugee who fell I love with Gopher and wanted to sing with the band. The best part about the trip was all the drinking. Whooa Nellie did they booze it up. They made Don Draper look like the Church Lady. W was in his drinking phase so he was out carousing with Doc and Isaac and Phil Silvers all night long. I hung out with Joey as we talked about old times and how our lives had diverged into such different paths. She was very sad and drinking and crying so I didn’t have time to keep an eye on Doro and Jeb. I left them to their own devices. Doro followed around one of the Filipino stewards making goo goo eyes at him since he was the closest thing to a Chinaman she could find. And Jeb would follow around Charo like a sick little puppy.

Jeb was only fourteen and a puffy glasses wearing nerd. But Charo was very nice to him. She talked to him. Well at least she babbled in her broken Spanglish. She taught him a few cords on the guitar. He was in love.

Now it so happened that Joe D was on the trip with Charo because he was dating her at the time.  He was hanging with her and banging the shit out of her most of the time but he started drinking and playing cards with W and the boys and Charo got pissed. So pissed that she threatened him one night that she would go out and bang the first swinging dick that came along. Joe just laughed. I mean he was used to dealing with Marilyn's bullshit so Charo was no big fucking deal. She stormed off the Lido deck and ran into Jeb who was hanging around mooning over her. She grabbed him by the arm and took him up to the fiesta deck and banged him on deck chair all night. Jeb never recovered. He was addicted to Latina poon since that very night. He couldn’t live without it. He ended up marrying this Mexican girl that was the maid and towel changer in a Vegas Massage parlor. He was such a loser he didn't even marry a hooker. He married the maid.  Babs was furious. W and I could only laugh. Jeb was caught by the choocie choocie.

So it seems unlikely that Jeb would be running anytime soon. I mean you have to figure that Charo will spill the beans. Or Susan Martinez will blab about the time Jeb got caught sniffing her seat at that governor’s conference.  He has too many sombrero skeletons in his closet. It ain’t gonna happen. It wouldn’t be prudent.

Plus W is going to endorse Rand Paul. Rove has photos of him with a goat and a guy dressed like one of those Area 51 aliens. We can control him. It’s all set.