Laura Bush's Dairy

So we were sitting on the porch smoking a spliff and sipping some Cuba Libres this past Saturday. The girls had come home to watch the Super Bowl and decided to stay for a couple of weeks. Jenna needed a break from her husband Henry for a couple of weeks. He is a great guy but very straight laced. So she needed to come out to the ranch every couple of months to unwind. And Barb was so wimpy the only fun she ever has is when she is with me and her sister. I swear that bitch is as boring as Hillary's love life since her girlfriend had to pretend to marry that wienie wagger. She needs to come out of her shell.

Anyhoo we were laughing and talking like we always do when W comes bursting out of the door to talk to us. He was inside on the computer as he likes that blogging bullshit. He used to follow this crazy guy who wrote about green footballs or something but he went off the deep end and became a liberal douchebag. Then he started following some broad in Wisconsin who used to write about American Idol but she got too much into politics so W decided to fuck with her. He would troll on her site and call people Wicca-scum and Bryro-perps and kinds of weird shit. But that senile old broad didn't even realize he was doing it. Even her little flying monkey that she has as a beard didn't realize it as he was busy with his career change to be being a freeloading pancake making stooge. So W went back to posting on "Television Without Pity" and "I Hate Jill Zarin" only so he wouldn't be wasting his time. But he was always on the computer and he would burst out to tell us what was being featured on MSN news and shit.

Now W is a reformed drunk so he hates to see the girls doing drugs or drinking too much. He even starts to cry when Jenna eats a powdered donut. So the girls try to hide stuff because they really love their daddy. Bard had the doobie when he came in and she had to swallow it and immediately started choking. It was too bad that Jenna didn't have it because she could put anything in her mouth and swallow. She takes after me the little slut.

"Laura you won't believe it" W laughed. "I just saw on the computer that some little intern from back in the day said she used to fuck Jack Kennedy just like Clinton did with the interns. I mean we all knew that because the Turd blossom had Hoover's old files but I never thought it would come out. The press is actually printing it. Imagine if they told all the stories." "Damn you are right W.  What if we told them about Anita. That would blow all their minds." "Oh shit" shrieked W "You are so right baby."

You see in back in the day when I worked in the peeps at Show World with Robyn Byrd and  lived in an apartment with her and Joey Heatherton and Anita Gillette. One snowy night we were sitting around telling sex stories. I told them about my love affair with Gorilla Monsoon and Officer Joe Bolton.  Robyn talked about her unrequited love for Soupy Sales and her crazy relationship with Meyer Lansky. Joey talked about how she had to give Perry Como a rim job and had to give Chuck McCann a Rusty Trombone so her dad wouldn't fired as the Merry Mailman on WPIX. But Anita had us all beat.

"I can tell you a story. I was a sweet young thing and I was in the new play Mr. President and we went to Washington DC to put on the play in front of the Jackie and JFK. We were a smash hit and they loved it which was funny because it was about a US President who lost his reelection because he fucked up a deal with the Russians. So after the show this creepy guy called Dave Powers told me that the President wanted to meet me. I went to this backstage room and there he was. JFK. He looked a lot different than he did on TV. His face was very puffy and blotchy and his hand shook. He said "It's so nice to meet you my dear. I don't have a lot of time to waste. Let's do this. ' He grabbed me and turned me around and bent me over. He took out this tiny little Irish penis and tried to stick it in me. Now I wasn't wearing any undies and you know I am naturally wet so his little winkie slid right in. Ten seconds later he dribbled inside my thigh and pulled away. He goes 'That's was great baby. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Dave give her a key chain." And then they hustled me out of the room. I couldn't believe it. I had sneezes that lasted longer and where I felt more. But he was the President and so glamorous and everything. He ruined me for other men."

It was true. She never had a healthy sex life after that. She had a long affair with Gene Rayburn and often had three ways with Bert Convy and Bill Cullen. But she finally met the love of her life when she starred with Ted Bessell in  "Me and the Chimp." You see she fell in love. She finally found someone to satisfy her.  He had an enormous penis. A strong and prehensile tongue. And big meaty fingers that he used so tenderly.  Yes Buttons the Chimp became the love of her life.

Just like I did when I met love, my heart, my monkey man. Gorilla Moonson.

I love W with all my heart but you can't beat that monkey sex.