You've got mail

To: The Chairman of MTV
From: Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton
CC: Martha Quinn, Mark Goodman, JJ Jackson, Nina Blackwood

Dear Sir.

I would like to arrange an interview on your wonderful music channel. Bill and I watch it all the time. We especially enjoy the Michael Jackson, Madonna and Duran Duran videos that are on constant rotation. My advisors think I should do something to bring my message to the young people and I think doing an interview with one of VJ's is just the thing.

I want to be relevant and dare I say "cool." I think being on MTV will be groovy.

Please let me know what time will work for you. My schedule is open these days since I have wiped out my server and do not have to comply with any more pesky subpoenas.

Call me.
Hillary.

Marilyn's Diary

I loved when my Aunt Lily would go on  a trip with her girlfriends. She had a bunch of friends that would go on a trip once a year without their husbands. You know. To cut loose and have some fun.

There was Morticia Adams. She pretended she was from England and that she was all classy but she was really from Calabasas in the Valley. They had a big mansion and ran a couple of gay bars in Hollywood. Her husband Gomez used to follow her around and profess his love for her all the time. I always thought he was gay but they seemed to be happy. His only job seemed to be to carry around their weird pet. It was a hand called "Thing." They would dress up in matching costumes and take it everywhere they went. It was really weird. But Morticia loved that Thing. She called it her sex monster. Nobody wanted to ask any questions.

Then there was Jeanie Nelson who was married to an astronaut. Now Major Nelson would never be around whenever there was a party. He was always busy with his big name friends. So Jeanie was all lonely in her mansion with her lemons and illegal immigrant house servants. So she was happy to go on trip.

Samantha Stevens was a lot of fun. She was a witch with her own clothing store and a terrible relationship with her mother and her sister. They were always fighting and turning people into toads and stuff. She was best friends with Morticia even though they fought all the time. They always made up and were as thick as thieves. They were just exhausting.

Last but not least there was Carol Post. She was divorced by then and very bitter. Her husband had left her for a horse. Of course. She was drinking and taking xanax and partying all the time. She was always wasted and going around half naked with her tampon string hanging out. She was just a mess.

This time they were going to Amsterdam. I hope they have some fun and that they won't fight too much.

I will be home with my Uncle Herman. I can't wait.

It's De Blasio time

In the continuing race to get back to the 1970's the graffiti assholes are out in force. They tagged my front gate this week which is messed up because there is so little to tag. I mean the old huge gates I can see but the little bit I have on my front store.

I called the cops and they came pretty promptly. Filled out some forms. The graffiti coordinator showed up as well. There is a whole procedure now. The city offers to paint but they only can use brown or black paint. Not going to work on my silver metal gates. So I have to fix it myself.

The Seventies are back. Thanks Comrade De Blasio.

You've got mail

To: Robin Thicke
From: Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton
Re: My Girl Miley
CC: Miley Cyrus, Billy Ray Cryus, The Guy with the Bullwinkle hat

Hey loser.

I see where you just lost a lawsuit because you were ripping off Marvin Gaye. I know the feeling because my campaign is ripping off my Uncle Saul Alinsky all over the freaking place.

I just want to tell you to leave my precious alone. She is a big girl now and is going to work under me in various positions. Just like Huma did back in the day. I need to reach out to the crackers if I am going to beat Jim Webb that racist hillbilly. So Miley will do the trick.

She will do a lot of tricks.

Just leave my precious alone.

You've got mail

To: Adam Levine
From: Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton
CC: Blake Shelton, Ce Lo, The guy with the Bullwinkle Hat

Hey Adam.

I just wanted to drop you a line to congratulate on the success of your great Music show "The Voice." Although I only watch American Idol I have recently had a chance to meet your co-star Christina and have found a couple of good reasons to catch your program.

I also wondered if you might like to get involved in my campaign. Ever since the problems with Bibi I need someone to reach out to the Hebes. How about it bubbe. There are a few sheckles in it for you. I know that is what your people respect.

Hope to hear from you soon and have a good Shabbos.

Toodles,
Hillary

What if literary Masterpieces were written by different people.

What if Godzilla had been written by Anthony Trollope?

You've got mail

To: Rep. Trey Gowdy
From: Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton
Re; Email server
CC: President Barack Obama, Bob Scheiffer, Lanny Davis. James Carville, Kreskin, Sandy Bergers pants.

Representative Gowdy.

This email is to officially inform that I will not be turning over any of the emails on my own private server. Although I did conduct official business on this account I feel I do not have to comply with your subpoena or any Freedom of Information Act requests at this time. I have printed out all of the relevant emails and had them transported over to the State  Department so you can ask Lurch about them. I believe he is storing them with his Vietnam medals and the hat he wore in Cambodia.

This transfer was effected by the most secure method possible. Sandy Berger brought them over in his pants. That is how we usually treat sensitive documents.

I have erased all of these emails on my server and the remaining emails only revolve around personal matters such as my daughter Chelsea's plastic surgery and the contributions to the Clinton library from our friends in Saudi Arabia, Iran and Venezuela. Nothing to see here.

In conclusion I have one thing to ask you. DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!

What if Literary Masterpieces were written by a different Author?

What if Winnie the Pooh was written by a Muslim?

If you want to see a cool new movie....

Check out "Chef" which should be for free on Netflicks and pretty cheap on pay per view. It was written, directed and stars Jon Favreau who seems to have been locked in a bakery since he made "Swingers." I feel for this guy because he is like me and he loves to eat. So he made this great movie where you can actually see him making food. He is establishing a relationship with his son as he drives his food truck across the country after he got fired. He was fired after an epic blow out with a blogger and it was really cool.

What is different is you see the mundane issuses of running a restaruant. Getting produce. Changing the menu. Instructing the staff. The conflict between the front of the house (finance) and the Kitchen. It is really good.

Five stars from me.

Plus it has the chick with big tits from Modern Family and some great Music. Worth a look see.

You've got mail

To: Nancy Pelosi
From: Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton
Re: Your support in the Iowa Caucuses.
CC: Emily's List, Ellen Degeneres, Huma Weiner, The Fifty shades of Grey guy

Hey Nance.

What is this I hear that you are looking around to see who you will support in the upcoming primary season. Specifically in the Iowa caucuses.

I must say I am very hurt. After all the good times we have shared. That trip to Russia while Bill was  President. My last vacation in Napa where you came to meet me for the wine and quirm tasting. That time when I went to Kosovo and they shot at me. I thought we were Scissor sisters?

Who would you support? That perv Clueless Joe Biden? Fauxahontas? That drunken lowlife Jim Webb? Seriously who else is there?

Please come with me to Iowa. It will be like the old days. Let me show you what I can do with a strap on ear of corn. You won't regret it. I promise.

Marilyn's Diary

I loved my Uncle Herman and Aunt Lily. They were a lot of fun. We did a lot of fun things in Southern California. Went to Dodger games with the box seats that Grandpa got from Sandy Koufax. Went to Sea World. The tar pits. Grauman's Chinese theater.

But the best times was when we went to the turtle races. I mean they were really slow. But Aunt Lilly loved them. You see she loved the feeling of something big and green between her legs.

That is why she married Uncle Herman after all.

You've got mail

To: Camille Paglia
From: Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton
Re: Our college Days
CC: Bill Clintion, Ellen Degeneres, Oprah, NOW, Emily's List

Dear Cami,

I have been reading  your latest screed and I must say I am very disappointed. I see where you go after Bill again about that stupid tramp Monica. Get over it already. It is no big feminist issue.  I don't care if he used young girls to service him so I can concentrate on implanting my plans for world domination. Don't you remember all those times in college when we were in the steam room at Lucille Roberts talking about how we were going to topple the patriarchy and take over the world? I mean then you could put your finger on it. I mean you always put your finger on it.

Don't you remember the good times?

By the way I still have those pants. Huma wears them now. She loves to get into my pants.

Please be a dear and donate some of your vast riches to the Clinton foundation or at least use my Amazon portal to show your appreciation for my activities as a model for women. I think I deserve much more than obscure college professors who are drunk and disorderly even if they do write about you on their failing blogs.

Toodles,
Hillary.

De Blasio time

So this is how it is. I have told the story about the kids who would come out of the store and act like little hooligans as they walked down Court St to the Red Hook projects. How Nelson and Abdul and I had to stand outside of our stores and watch them as they walked by. Well it has been the winter and they have been kind of subdued lately. It is too cold to fuck around. But there was an incident on Tuesday that sort of set the tone for how it will be this summer in NYC.

We have these neighbors on the block where we live. They are old time Carroll Gardens people. I know the husband since we were ten. The wife is from Bensonhurst and we would run into them all the time. They are like us. They know all the merchants and the guys at the old time places like Marco Polo and the Red Rose. They are particularly tight with the owner of the gym on the corner. The wife is good friends with Lisa and they stop and talk all the time when we pass in the street.

So she comes in yesterday to tell us a story. It seems she was walking down the street pushing her wagon full of groceries and what not when she was suddenly surrounded by a bunch of these rowdy kids. They were shouting and roughhousing and talking about they were going to "mess up this kid." One of the kids goes "I gots to get this off my back to get ready when it goes" and reaches in his back. His partner goes "Yo stupid the white lady heard you," Now she kept her head down and kept walking but when she got to the corner she looked up and the kid had opened his jacket and he had a gun. He made some threats and then continued down the street to the subway. Naturally she called the cops. The 76th precinct not 911. They said they would send someone right out. After a half an hour with nobody showing up she left.

Now she could have come into the store as she was right across the street but we are closed on Tuesday. She came it tell us that this had solidified a decision that her family had made a while ago. They were selling out their brownstone and moving South. It is only going to get worse and worse. The police are not just lazy but handcuffed by the new administration. It is back to the 1970's, If you stand up for yourself you are branded a racist. So it is time to move on.

It is another brick in the wall. You know?

Same shit different day

So someone emailed me a link where one of our favorite commenters was getting into it with a former commenter who has seemed to go off the deep end. This former commenter asked to be dropped from our blog and was always both obscure and argumentative. Her opinion of herself was both highly inflated and lacking any basis in fact since her posts were almost incomprehensible.

Anyhoo. I am glad it has nothing to do with me. But some dudes just can't stay away from bad chemical reactions. Just sayn''

You've got mail

To: James Carville
From: Secretary of State Hilllary Clinton
CC: Donna Brazile, Lanny Davis, Debbie Wasserman Schulz, Huma Weiner
Subject: Optics

Listen Snake Head.

I told you to watch the optics as I am getting ready to run for President. It is vitally important that we conceal what I intend to do as President or we will never win. We have to follow Obama's template and lie our asses off and pretend to be normal and not show our hand.

Optics like this where we show our true selves do not help.

If you don't straighten up and get this right I will call Axelrod and the ballerina and the rest of those greasy Jews. It will cost me more but they know how to do it. If they can get a Muslim elected twice just imagine what they can do for me.

This is your last chance.

Happy St Paddy's Day

I am sort of retired these days. No more drinking. Although as Aridog said somewhere else it is one of the two amateur hour days that real drinkers avoid. Paddy's Day and New Years Eve.

On the other hand the best day to drink at an Irish Pub is the day after because regulars drink for free. You see they make so much money and so many tips that it is almost like customer appreciation day. They know that the stone alkies will be drinking on a snowy February Tuesday so they want to show some appreciation.

Everything is pretty much ruined about Paddy's Day anyway. I will not watch the parade because the TV channel extorted the Hiberians to allow gays to march in the parade. There has been a long standing policy that no single issue group could march under their own banners. Thus no gays. But also no Right to Life. No gun control or pro second amendment. No anti death penalty. You could hold those views or do those things but you march as an individual not as a single issue. But the gay mafia put enough pressure on the advertisers and the TV that they threatened the Hibernians rice bowl so they surrendered and a gay group associated with the TV station is marching. Of course that is not enough and Comrade De Blasio and a bunch of other politicians are not marching because they want every gay group that wants to march to be in the parade. I assume they want to see a float with leprechauns shoving emerald green dyed cucumbers up their ass.

Comrade De Blasio is nothing if not consistent. He showed up fifteen minutes late for Mass and started glad handing and talking as he walked in to the middle of the Mass. The Cardinal didn't say anything. I mean a real priest would mention it when you came in late and disrupted the Mass. Shit it has happened to me. You just don't walk in and disrespect the Mass. Not without consequences. Cardinal Dolan is just a loser and a Quisling.

Just goes to show you. Never trust anyone named Dolan.

You've got mail

To: Jeffrey Epstein
From: Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
CC: William Jefferson Clinton, WNBC To Catch a Predator, Shouting Thomas

Dear Mr. Epstein,

I must ask you to cease and desist in your attempts to contact President Clinton to invite him to parties on your own private island. As much as he enjoyed those trips in the past....he must decline because of the obvious reasons that I do not need to detail here. I know you are disappointed as you and Bill had some good times in the past but that is in the past and can never be repeated.

As a small recompense I have arranged for George Stephanopoulos to dress in a tuxedo and stand on the tarmac of your private airstrip to shout "The Plane...the Plane" before your next party. Perhaps that will suffice.

We have already planned our vacation for this year before the run up to the 2016 presidential race. Bill and I will be staying at our good friend Shouting Thomas's camp for wayward Filipino school girls in Woodstock New York. I would appreciate if you do not contact Bill in the future.

If this is a problem then I suggest that we meet in person to discuss. We can meet next Thursday at Fort Marcy Park near the cannons at 3 am as this is the only time I have available. Oh and please wear clean underwear. Your family will thank me later.

Toodles,
Hillary Rodham Clinton
Secretary of State

Whose that girl....in the bathtub

She co-starred with the Duke in one of my favorite movies....I am sure you remember it. Plus she was in one of my favorite Elmore Leonard movies. You know one based on one of his books.

She also what Lem orders when he goes to the club.

Whose that girl in the gratuitous bathtub photo!

You've got mail

To: Huma Abedin
From: Hillary Clinton
cc: William Jefferson Clinton, Ellen Degeneres, Candy Crowly, Emily's list

Huma.

I miss you.

Please come back to work for me. You dropped the rug rat and your husband doesn't care about you. He is too busy whacking his bag and sending naked selfies to bimbos he met on the Internet. I have spoken to your handler from Iran and he has no problem with you coming back and will increase your stipend accordingly.

I really miss you.

As you can see I have been working out and I am ready for the run for the Presidency. I am tanned, rested and ready. And wet.

Call me.

PS: Hey Slick Willie. Suck it loser.

You've got mail

To: Ambassador Stevens
From: Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
cc: CIA, FBI, NSA

Ambassador Stevens please don't be such a pussy. The demonstrations in Benghazi is really just a bunch of towel heads letting off steam. You are in no danger whatsoever. If anything happens you can be sure that the full power of the United States will be exerted to protect you and the embassy.

I have your back.

I mean what are they going to do? Storm the embassy and kill you or something? Get real.

I enclose an attachment to allow you to donate to the Clinton foundation. I am making up my lists for my Administration in 2016 and I have several open positions that you might be interested in the future. If this method does not work you then you can always use my Amazon Portal to order your holiday gifts. This is a great way for you to show your appreciation for my work as Secretary of State. These powder blue pant suits will not wear themselves you know.

Marilyn' Diary

I could never understand why Uncle Herman left us. I mean he had access to my nubile teenage body. I never deny him. Whatever position or practice he would come up with was fine with me.

What really confused me was how he left Aunt Lily. She had a rockin body for a woman who was 562 years old. She kept trying to spice up their marriage. She would wear these outrageous outfits to try to spark Uncle Herman's interest. But nothing seemed to work.

When she paraded around in her favorite bat bra I got a little wet. I couldn't help it.

You see I also loved my Aunt Lily.

Whose that girl

She is not Miss Kitty but she loved the Kitty all of her life. She was a woman who always was in control except when she wasn't if that makes sense.

And she was a big star even though she didn't have a big valley between her tits which I look for in an actress but waddagonnado?

Whose that girl?

Gratuitous bathtub photo: Sarah Jessica Horseface edition.

We haven't heard from Sarah in a while so it was nice of her to sent this gratuitous bathtub photo.

No wonder Matthew Broderick is so sad all the time.

I may have violated the civility rule.....

When I post a photo of Ron Jeremy dressed as Super Mario and said that was what Turley looked like when he wasn't wearing a Brook Brooks Suit.

I think I might get deleted. Hee.

It's De Blasio time

So Comrade Mayor De Blasio was late as usual to the St Patricks Day parade in the Rockaways. He came a half an hour late and arrived by boat. Which infuriated the people in the Rockaways since he canceled their ferry service.

The mostly old white crowd mocked and jeered at him with the "Worst Mayor Ever" chant which is pretty interesting when you consider most of them are old enough to remember Abe Beame and David Dinkins. Comrade De Blasio shrugged it off as he always does and pretended like everything was fine. Of course he is not marching in the farce of the regular St Paddy's Day parade because there is only one gay group marching. He wants every gay group to be able to march waving dildoes and wearing ass less chaps.

That won't happen until next year based on our Cardinal that ever so brave Cardinal Dolan. He needs time to "evolve to that standard." Give him time. He will get there.

After all. Who is he to judge.

Shame.

Shame is a powerful thing. As a Catholic you get a lot of it. A young kid goes for his first confession and has to tell all of his sins. What kind of sins can you have when you are eight years old? But the nuns were there to tell you what a dirty filthy little beast you are and that you should be ashamed.

People love to shame you because you have nice things. That is the whole basis of the Democratic party. Shame on the rich. Shame on the middle class. Shame on citizens who think they can prevent illegals from getting all the benefits due a citizen of the United States.

Shame can affect the way you dress or speak or who you hang around with. Some people drop friends who got in trouble or did stupid shit like get a divorce or a drug arrest or a DUI. It can be a powerful weapon in the wrong hands.

Now shame is not as powerful as it used to be. In todays transient society people will accept you at face value because you are not part of a neighborhood where people know you since you were a kid. But if you live in one of the few areas where there is a vestige of that sensibility shame can hit you hard. It can be overpowering. When people who knew you since you were a kid turn their face it can be devastating.  Some people can not face it. They would rather put a gun in their mouth. It ha opens to cops all the time.

Some people are totally shameless. We know them in real life and on the internet. They will say anything and do anything and not give a rats ass who it hurts. They are the truly dangerous ones. The limits that civil society used to impose no longer apply. They go along destroying stuff like a child without worrying about the consequences. Because there are none.

Except for those who can still feel shame.

Some times you just have to laugh..........

Today it was crazy bitch day on the Internets. Well pretty much every day is that day for these two dumb broads but the last couple of days they really out did themselves.

The Evil Blogger Lady had to honor Leonard Nimoy by putting up a post about his book of photos of plus sized ladies. She had blogged about it before but took the opportunity to get in a few shots. She is all over the comments making remarks. The old Trooper would jump in to smack her around. The new Trooper read it and moved on to Previously TV's forum on the Real Housewives. I wouldn't have seen it but the link was emailed to me again. She just repeats her nonsense.

Then our old friend Inga is having an ongoing blog war about her parents on Turley's blog that Nick has alerted us to in the comments on another post. Some dude is tying her in knots as she lies and dodges and comes up with excuse after excuse. I posted a photo of Schulz and left it at that.

You can't deal with crazy. It can infect you. Like herpes. Just sayn'

The rule of three........

I am kinda freaking out today.

One of my favorite old time Knicks passed away a couple of days ago. As Spinelli noted Anthony Mason died from complications from congestive heart failure. You know. The thing I have. Nice right?

Mase was a hard nosed defender who was considered a dirty player by most of the league. But Knick fans loved him. He came out of nowhere after being cut by a couple of teams. Mase and John Starks became integral parts of the team and were not big time spoiled draft choices. He was the exact opposite of Charles Smith who cost us the chance to go to finals. They were the reason we had a great team all those years. They had to fight for everything and wouldn't give up like big time losers like Carmelo Anthony does on the current team.

The best part about his game was that he was a great hard nose defender. And he had a magnificent handle. He could grab a rebound and dribble it up the floor past the other teams point guards and slam it in their face. He did it in one game against Reggie Miller and the Pacers that they are still talking about. He was my favorite player on that team after the Xman left the team.

Of course he was a man of his times. He did lots of steroids and coke the cocktails of the '80's and '90's. I ran into him and Oakley at the Pernal Whittaker vs Buddy McGirt fight at the Garden and shook his hand. The dude was massive. His body just gave out. You can't abuse the machine and expect it to last. That is just the way it is.

Now with my favorite Knick gone and Artie Cherries that makes two. You know these things come in threes.