Laura Bush's Diary

Well we had to have dinner with Poppy Bush and that bug eyed twat of his last night because they were in town and W always wants to see his dad when he gets a chance. I usually don’t mind because I enjoy watching Big Barb spill shit on herself because her eyes pop out so far she can’t see where her fucking fork is going. She is worse than that bitch on the Real Housewife’s of New York. That’s another show I don’t get. The real housewives are all Jewish or Waspy. Where are the Puerto Ricans for crying out loud? The Dominicans. The Jamaicans. Even the wops and the micks. I mean you can’t tell me those are the Real Housewives of New York. What crap.

Anyways the reason I was pissed was that I had to miss the finale of American Idol. The twins and I are big fans of that chubby little Mo with the brown nail polish. Adam. Boy that boy can sing. But somehow he lost to that skinny little church boy from Arkansas Kris. What a gyp. I mean I thought after last night Adam had the Mo-mentum. But I guess America wouldn’t vote for a gay guy and elect him to a prestigious position like the American Idol. I thought that horrible discrimination and homophobia was over when they elected Barry O to President. I mean there’s somebody so obviously on the down low he might as well be wearing a feather boa and those six inch heels Adam wore when he sang with Kiss. But that’s another story.

I put on the DVR and watched the whole show with the girls. They had already seen it but didn’t mind. We lit up a couple of spliffs and had some tequila shooters and hooted and hollered through the whole show. Jenna insisted on doing it with a Philly Blunt. She likes to go ghetto you know. Stunk up the whole room. But it was a lot of fun.

First they brought back all the losers in the “Top Thirteen.” Whoop-de-damn-do. I mean how could we go without that tattoo twat Megan or the skinny Jose Jimenez guy. They butchered a song a two and danced around like the time Rumsfeld sat on an anthill at the Ranch when we were interviewing him for Secretary of Defense. But they got that out of the way quick and started with some cool duets.

That Lil Rounds sang a duet with Queen La-Queefa. I call her La-Queefa because when we invited her to a State dinner for Bishop Desmond Tutu she was so excited that she started queefing uncontrollable in the receiving line. It sounding like a whole flock of geese was flying overhead. When the Bishop asked what that sound was, W covered for her and said “Afleck.” Like the insurance commercial. Everybody laughed and we avoided an embarrassing moment. Any way they sang this hot duet. The only problem was their outfits. Let’s just say if the Army ever reinstitutes the Camel Corps and need someone expert in Camel Toe we have two girls with the real goods. Jeesh.

Then Kris did a rocking duet with Keith Urban. Is he the one that married that skinny Australian bitch or is he the one who married and divorced the chipmunk cheeked cunt. I mix them up all the time. Anyway it was a lot of fun. Kris could almost have been Kenny Loggins. And I mean that in a good way.

Then they had little Allison sing with Cindy Lauper. I mean that was cool but for some reason they had Cindy play a mandolin or something sitting down with her legs spread so wide she looked like Eleanor Mondale after a toot when she would take on the whole Redskin offensive line. I mean Cindy hadn’t spread her legs so far since she did Captain Lou Albano to get him to do her video. The song was cool and I hope she sells some albums off it because Girls just gotta have fun.

Then Fergie and the Black Eyed Peas performed and that was cool. Hey did you ever see that video where Fergie pees herself while she was singing. Hillary did that once you know this past campaign. That’s why she lost in Iowa. She got distracted.

Then the dead wife guy did a duet with Lionel Ritchie. Man that guy dresses and looks exactly the same. “ Hello…it’s new clothes you should be looking for.”

There was some other skinny Mo with a hat in there singing but I didn’t know who he was so who cares.

Then the whole crew sang with Santana. They did Black Magic Woman and another fake Santana song where he was cashing in after all his good stuff in the sixties and seventies. Man I remember how me and W used to light up a joint and have a few pops and listen to Santana. W even went through a Carlos Castaneda phase where we would smoke mushrooms and danced naked in the rain to “Oye Como Va” but the mushrooms made him turn into a turtle instead of a cool raven or eagle or something so we went back to whiskey sours.

Then Adam did a set with Kiss that was really over the top. I mean seriously. Did I need to see Gene Simmons tongue again? Really. If I wanted to see fat Jewish guy’s sweat I would call up Richard Perle and tell him we were releasing some of the memos he wrote before we invaded Iraq. And what was Adam wearing on his shoulders? It looks like the thing we had to put on our dog Barney so he wouldn’t bite himself. WTF.

Rod Stewart came out and wheezed away for a while. He sang a song that he wrote when he was nineteen. You know the one where he gonna “Steal his daddy’s cue and make a living out of playing pool.” If only he had done that and we wouldn’t have to listen to his weezy shit for the past thirty years. And pubescent supermodels would be safe from getting poked until they got their period. Or they run into Ron Wood.

There was some other bullshit and the boys did a song with Queen. “We are the Champions.” Well one of you is a Champion and the other is a looozzzeeerrrr!

They finally announce that Kris has won and the place goes wild. I kinda thought it might go that way. The front runner almost never wins. That other little Mo David Archuleta was the favorite last year and he lost to that potato head guy. Adam is probably lucky he lost. This way he is not under the control of the Idol machine. I mean the best singer they ever had, Jennifer Hudson lost too! And Daughtry! And Bo Bice! So you can do just fine if you lose. Not to worry.

So the girls went home and I went upstairs to our bedroom. And don’t you know it that little dickens W had a big surprise for me. He had put on his Elvis costume and we got to play our version of American Idol. I had to sing into the mike but that was ok because W deserved a treat. But he reciprocated with his attention to the tunnel of love. We had a blast. And just like Adam and Kris we were both winners.

Laura Bush out.