Everything you need to learn about life you can learn from Reality TV

I have sort of stopped watching regular episodic TV these days because they have all become just the same old/same old. In the glut of CSI’s and NCIS’s and Law and Orders there is just not enough to interest me. You can tell who the murderer is in the first reel. He is the usually the white guy or the soldier or the cop. Never the drug dealer or the junkie son. Last week on Blue Bloods they pulled the same old shit when instead of the junkie son who lived in the basement being the murderer they made it the brother and sister who ran the car dealership. All of these shows like “Criminal Minds” and “The Mentalist” all run along the same predictable pattern. Whenever there is a figure that used to be respected like a businessman or clergyman or soldier you can bet they are the “real criminal.” It gets really old after a while.

So I spend my time watching reality TV. The Real Housewives. Celebrity Apprentice. Storage Wars. Hard Core Pawn. Pawn Stars. American Pickers. Jersey Shore. Mob Wives. Sister Wives. Say Yes to the Dress. What Not to Wear. American Idol. And all the rest. It is a welcome respite to the continual overwhelming douche baggery that is fictional episodic television these days.

When you watch American Idol you are watching a show you can see with the whole family. You don’t have to worry about content. They won’t be showing a dismembered body or tell you how a child rapist can get away with it. There are no serial killers or cannibals. Just people singing. Some of them better than others. This year it has been kind of sweet. They got rid of the glowering pissed off presence of Simon Cowell and up the star power with JLo and Steven Tyler. It is not for everyone and you can always find some douchenozzle to tell you how horrible it is and how they can’t really sing and what not. But what you see is America. People from all over the country who sing different styles and have different stories. Not the homogenized coastal elites that dominate the sensibility of episodic television.

When you see a show like Hard Core Pawn that is based in a Pawn shop in Detroit’s 8 Mile district you get a feel for what life on the edge feels like when you have to pawn you Microwave to get money to eat. America Pickers takes you to the backwoods of America to find eccentrics who have hoarded treasures that we would pass by and think were just junk. It’s an education on places I would never go and people I would never meet. I get a kick out of seeing how they do it in the backwoods of Alabama where some guy with no teeth might still have hundreds of motorcycles and old cars on his property. It is pretty amazing.

We love What Not to Wear because they have come to the store about 19 times. Whenever they have anybody bigger than a size 14 they come by and we hook them up with some great clothes. So we got a little insight into how they film these shows and we can pick the winners and the losers.

One cooking show we like a lot is “Extra Virgin” which stars actress Debi Mazer and her husband who is from Tuscany. They have a very warm and loving relationship and he cooks up amazing simple Italian meals. He reminds us of us. I have been making several of his dishes and they are just great. The love they have is palpable and it is really great TV. Cooking shows in general are much more enjoyable than any CIS Dayton or Law and Order Dubuque.

Now the Real Housewives is another kettle of fish. Each series is different but they all seem to follow the same pattern. You have the big fish, the mama bear, the one everyone is supposed to defer to and when you don’t the conflict arises. Vicki on the OC, Caroline on New Jersey, Kyle on Beverly Hills, and the disgusting Jill Zarin on New York are all the major players. Everyone else falls into a slot. There is always another Housewife who sets up in opposition to them and their fighting is the basis of the series. Gretchen on the OC, Danielle on Jersey, Camille Grammer on Beverly Hills and Bethanny Frankel were set up as the foils who opposed the queen bees. It is a lot like high school. But then so is life. But some of these shows take an interesting turn. Camille Grammer got a very poor edit but on her appearances on the reunion shows and elsewhere she proved to be a reasonable and relatively nice person who was willing to apologize and try to work things out. And Bethanny went on to tremdous success on her own spin off show which is a much better watch than her old series. The love story with her husband and the birth of her baby and her business success are all wonderful things to watch after a hard day’s work and make you smile. At least it makes me smile. And the fact that the Real Housewives of New York is just foundering just adds icing to the cake.

You used to get involved with the lives of fictional characters on your favorite shows. Would Hunter and Dee Dee ever get together? Would Cannon be able to squeeze out from behind the wheel of his Lincoln? Would Angie take off her top on Police Woman? What bizarre way will the next fiancé of a Cartwright die? But now most of the new fictional shows just don't have the same juice for me. They beat me over the head with political correctness and mind numbing liberal bullshit. I would much rather follow the day to day tribulations of Snookie and Vinny and the Guido’s of Jersey Shore. Will somebody shoot Les at American Jewelry because he ripped them off one too many times? Will the Pumpkinheaded kid win on Idol? Will somebody whack Teresa because they can’t deal with her shit anymore? These are the questions that I think about.

So I love reality TV. I don’t care what you think. Millions of Americans agree with me. And that is not just the ones that Snookie has blown. It is what TV is all about these days.

Take your pompous disapproval over to Charlie Rose, Meet the Press, and Boringheads.

The world has passed you by.