Hell Needs a New PA Announcer

Lucifer: This is getting really tedious. How is it we can’t find anybody to be the new PA announcer. I have been looking for years now. Who has slid down the shute lately Forcas?

Forcas:Well we just had someone float in from the ocean view suites.

Lucifer: Really? Who that funny lookin’ dude with the mackerel stuck in his towel? He looks like a lesbian Carmen Miranda. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Forcas: Yes and he is an Arab. They usually have a scorpion or a cactus or something stuck in their towel heads. Never sea creatures. It’s not often you find an Arab that drowned. Or even that got wet. They don’t like to wash all that much you know. That’s why they usually smell like Lance Armstrong’s ball sack after the Tour d’ France.

Sorta Osama Bin Ladin (tumbles through the trap door to fall in front of the throne of Lucifer, with a ton of water and several fish flopping on the sidewalk that immediately start to fry on the burning floor of hell) What…in the name of the Prophet? Where am I?

Lucifer: Hey welcome to Hell!

Sorta Osama Bin Ladin: Wait I am supposed to be in Paradise. I am Osama Bin Laden the beloved of the Prophet.

Lucifer: No you are not. Osama has been here in Hell for years. I have him driving a cab with Joan Crawford and Betty Davis in it arguing about who was the best actress. That poor fuck is really suffering. He keeps pulling out his beard by the roots.
Forcas: It is quite true my lord. He keeps driving his cab into the wall but it never explodes and he is always back driving in two minutes. He is very frustrated.

Sorta Osama Bin Ladin: It is a lie. I am truly Osama! Everyone acknowledges it. Just ask the American President. He will tell you it is so!

Lucifer: Who Barry? Shitfire you can’t believe anything he says. Ever since we made that deal in college after he got busted for dealing he has been a dishonest little weasel. Always trying to weasel out of the deal. That’s why I had him marry my daughter so she can torture him and keep him in line. He might be President but we own his boney ass. Com’on dude I know you are not Osama. Who are you?

Sorta Osama Bin Ladin: No it is true. I am truly Osama Bin Laden. I have the DNA's. I am heeeeee…arrrrggghhhhh(Lucifer points at him and he falls to his knee and moans in agony as white hot pain flashes through his body)

Lucifer: Seriously dude you got to give it up. Who are you really?
Sorta Osama Bin Ladin: Don’t taze me Lucifer. I will confess. I am Osama’s brother.

Lucifer: Who Darryl?

Sorta Osama Bin Ladin : No I am his other brother Darryl.
Lucifer: OK that works. I knew you had to be related cause you sorta look alike and have similar DNA and stuff. But you definitely ain’t him.
Osama’s other Brother Darryl Bin Ladin: Please stop the pain my lord. I have served you on earth and I will love to serve you in Hell. Just command me and I will do your will.
Lucifer: Ok that might be fun but you have to suffer a little first. Forcas?
Forcas: Yes my lord?
Lucifer: Take him to the Orthodox wing. Let him curl their beards and clean their beaver hats. Oh and speaking of beavers, let him wash Molly Picon’s twat. That should be punishment enough.
Forcas: I will make it so my lord.
Osama’s other Brother Darryl Bin Ladin:NOOOOOOOOO!!!! !( Two burly demons grab him by the arms and start dragging him away as several porgies and bass fall out of his burnoose)
Lucifer: I love it when a plan comes together. Now let’s start planning for Mother’s Day. It's one of my favorite days of the year. All those mothers and daughters doing my work. Groovy.