Laura Bush's Diary

So the twins and I were knocking back some Lone Star beers and sharing a splif and having some Nacho’s and watching the Celebrity Apprentice when this news flash thingy comes on. It was right at the end and the nasty giraffe Nene was about to go upside Starr Jones head and they cut to the news. They said they had a big announcement and cut out of the boardroom. Boy Barry will do anything to screw with Donald Trump.

Then they announced that they had got Osama Bin Laden and I couldn’t believe it. I had Jenna go wake up her daddy. He always goes to bed by ten o’clock unless we are planning on bumping nasties which he doesn’t care because he is an early riser if you know what I mean. But I knew he wanted to hear about this. So Jenna went in and woke him up and came out in his power ranger pajamas rubbing his eyes and goes “What’s up Laura?” “Guess what George….they just announced they got Osama.” ‘But he was dead three years ago from Kidney failure. What did they dig him up and kill him again?” “Well we taped the speech and you can hear it.”

So we played the tape and W laughed through the whole thing like he was watching the Stooges or something. “This is some funny shit Laura. Does he really thing anyone is gonna buy this or what?” “People are gonna believe him W. Just remember what happened with Hossey Vaziri.” “Ha you got that right baby. I am going back to sleep. Unless you want to play Nasty Nurse and the Dallas Cowboy with the sprained joint?” “Ewwwweeeee Daddy” shrieked the girls “Gross. Get out of here so we can watch Jerseylicious!”

Once W toddled off to bed Jenna turned to me and said “What did you mean Momma? Who was Hossey Whoyoucallit” “Why honey childe that is the Iron Shiek.” “Oh Momma that ‘s pretty funny. Hey Barb don’t bogart that joint bitch.” “Sorry JenJen. So tells us about it Momma.”

You see W and I have a pretty open marriage. We love each other dearly but in our younger days we were kinda frisky. And every once in a while we would get in a snit and go our own separate ways for a while. This one time W was really smitten with Sandy Duncan and he was traveling all over to track her down that nasty little twat. Anyhoo Sandy was on Broadway as an understudy to Jane Fonda in “Barefoot in the Park” and W was always up there in her business banging the crap out of her. He banged her so hard he put her eye out. But that’s another story.

I was really pissed and I decided to get back at him. So I called up my first lover, my animal, my monkey man, the Gorilla my dreams. Gorilla Monsoon.

You remember when I told you about how Gorilla and Jay Strongbow and I had first met. Well I wanted to get back at W so I called up the Gorilla and he said to come join him. You see he was on the road in Boston and rassling at a big show at the Boston Garden. So I flew up to meet him and got there just as the show was about to start. I saw the Grand Wizard and he got me in and got me a seat in the front row as the card started. Ricky the Dragon Steamboat kicked the crap out of some Eye-talian mook and the tag team of Toru Tanaka and Mr. Fuji beat up a couple of local yokels. Then it was time for the main event. It was my Gorilla against this new villain. He was from Iran and they called him the Iron Sheik. Now his gig was that he was from Iran and he hated America. It was the time of the hostage Crisis and he was waving the Iranian flag and spitting on the American flag and riling the crowd up. That pissed off the Gorilla because even though he was from parts unknown he loved his country. Well the first thing that dirty bastard did was stick the Gorilla in the eye with the stick from his Iranian flag so he couldn’t see. He cut him with this razor he had hidden in his pointy shoes and blood was flowing down the Gorillas face and he couldn’t see anything. Then the Sheik pulled out a loose piece of the parquet floor and started beating the crap out of the Gorilla with it until he collapsed. It went on and on and I was screaming and tried to get into the ring but Elizabeth and Superfly Snooka held me back. Finally Sergeant Slaughter came running out of the locker room and chased that Iranian cocksucker out of the ring. But the damage was done. A sneak attack by the Iron Sheik had ended my Gorilla’s career.

We vowed revenge after that. Me and the gorilla and a couple of his friends went from rasslin show to rasslin show trying to track down this dirty rat bastard. There was me and the Gorilla and Jay Strongbow and Pedro Morales and Bruno the Living Legend Sammartino. Finally we tracked him down to a show in Florida. We all trooped into the dressing room and there he was. I confronted him. “So you are the Iron Sheik?” “No I am not. That’s my brother Hussein. I am Hossey. Don’t hurt me American Lady.” But I didn’t care. I went after him. I clawed his eyes and scratched his face and I kept kicking him in the nuts again and again. They had to drag me off of him. Jay Strongbow had to put me in a sleeper hold to calm me down. I didn’t know what happened after that. It seems that they made some kind of money settlement where the Sheik had to pay the Gorilla every time he wrestled. They had a lot of corrupt deals like that. The only place that is worse is the House of Representatives. I was upset and the Gorilla and I sort of drifted apart. W came home an apologized and we took off where we left off and soon the twins were born and we dedicated ourselves to each other.

But to this day whenever the Iron Sheik is out and about he pees himself because of the damage I did to his nuts. I saw him on Opie and Anthony and he had wet himself right there in the studio. So I told the girls to let that be a lesson to them.

If you piss me off you will never pee right again.

Oh and Happy Mothers Day.