Laura Bush's Diary

Well I woke up this morning to the sound of W freaking out again. I swear I am getting tired of all of this bullshit. I mean the man was never like this when he was invading countries and blowing up towel heads left and right. What does he have to get all upset about?

So I put on my robe because I like to sleep in the nude and I don’t want to freak out Pedro our house boy any more than usual. I mean he should be used to the Bushes hanging out with their bushes hanging out since he is Jeb’s brother-in-law and all but the dummy gets all flustered and shit. So I put my Bed Head robe on and went to see what all the commotion was about.

There was W cursing and spitting and throwing shit at the TV. I swear if I hadn’t locked up all the guns he would have went full fucking Elvis on the Trinitron and all. “W what’s up, did they preempt Davey and Goliath again for another Presidential speech.” “No Laura its unfuckingbelievable! You know what they did? They gave that smuck Barry the fucking Nobel Peace Prize. You believe that shit. What the hell did he ever do? Fuck me with Condoleezza Rice’s strap on dick. I mean com’on now enough is enough.”

Well I could see that W was really upset. You see he almost never curses. He is very straight laced that way. Ever since he was born again he doesn’t drink or snort or eat mushrooms or curse or any of that stuff that we used to enjoy back in the day. Now I ain’t complaining because it is a lot healthier for him and stuff and we are getting up there. So as usual I had to calm him down.

“Well W sometimes we get sometimes we don’t really deserve,” I said.” You know it wasn’t really his fault. He didn’t vote for it himself. The dirty Scandi’s gave it to him and he didn’t even have do a David Letterman intern interview on any of them. So what do we have to complain about?” “I never got anything like that Laura. I had to work for everything I ever got. Nobody ever gave me a free ride.” “Wait a minute what about getting into the Air National Guard? That was a freebee wasn’t it?” “Bullshit we paid for that fair and square.” W screamed.” Poppy got the colonel of the National Guard unit a job as treasurer of the US mint. And later his grandson was ambassador to Grenada? Don’t you remember Reagan had to invade when he got arrested for banging those cadavers in the medical school? Ssssshhhhhheeeetttttt!!!! The Bush family paid for that for a long time.”

“What about when you bought the Texas Rangers. You didn’t really earn that did you,” I laughed at him for getting so worked up. “WHAT!!!” screeched W. “I had to give Marge Schott a dirty Sanchez and do a three way with her and Bud Selig to get that? I fucking earned that franchise and don’t you forget it!!!!” I had forgotten about that one. But I had one last one in the bag.

“Yeah well what about the Dating Game?” I said as I waggled my eyebrows. “Tell me the fix wasn’t in there big boy?” W turned red and shook his head ruefully. He chuckled and calmed right down. “You know Laura you are right about that one. Maybe I should just laugh it off you know. The Nobel Prize isn’t a big thing in the scheme of things when I think about the Dating Game. Hee.”

You see back in 1968 W was out on the coast and we had been having a little tiff. We decided to have an open relationship and date other people. So he decides to go on this new TV show called the Dating game. You remember. These three bachelors get to answer questions asked by some dumb aspiring starlet bitch that couldn’t get a gig on TV so they made the rounds of the game shows. They were precursors to the reality show bullshit we have now. Anyhoo W gets picked as one of the bachelors. But what was really funny was that the two other bachelors were these young actors. Tom Selleck and Joe Penny. Both hunky guys you know. So W figured he didn’t have a chance. But since it was all in fun and he didn’t really give a shit. Until he found out whom the bachelorette was going to be. It was Joyce Bulifant!

Now W had a major hard on for her ever since he had seen her in that one episode of Perry Mason and he never forgot her. So he had to make a deal. He called up Poppy to tell him he needed help on this deal. Now Poppy was always helping W out. He kind of lived vicariously through him and he was feeling glum because Nixon wasn’t gonna give him a job. So he handed the problem over to a young Republican operative. Guy by the name of Dick Cheney.

Old Dick gets on the line and talks to the agents of Selleck and Penny and gets them to throw the contest. They gave stupid answers to turn off Joyce. I mean she asked Tom if he were a tree what kind of tree would he be and he goes:” Why I would be balsa as I have very soft wood.” Well Joyce didn’t want any part of that and picks W and they had a fine old time on their date. She was one kinky bitch let me tell you. Really into anal if you can believe that. It’s always the quiet ones. They dated for about a year after that on and off. Till she got a better deal with the Dan-O guy from Hawaii Five O. W was pissed let me tell you. He got her chance to be Carol Brady scratched and got that floozy Florence Henderson the gig. He made sure that her career fizzled to the point she could only be on crap like the Match game and Murder She Wrote. W can be a vindictive cuss when he wants to be.

Oh Tom Selleck and Joe Penny were really happy. Tom got a hot television commercial that led to Magnum PI and Poppy bush got Joe his gig on Jake and the Fatman. Of course he had to fluff William Conrad but that's another story. That show was based on the relationship of Tom Delay and Henry Hyde you know. Anyhoo they didn’t complain about throwing the Dating game. I mean after all there were plenty of broads out there in Hollywood to go around.

So after I had reminded W of that he calmed right down. “You know I don’t really care that Barry O got his Nobel Prize. Even if it was through the back door. Just like Joyce. What the hell lets go upstairs Laura Bear and I will give you a little bit of my peace prize baby?”

That’s my W. He knows what’s important. After I tell him of course. He’s my little laureate. Hee.