(Lucifer strides into Hell in shorts and a Hawaiian shirt
smoking a cigar and scratching his balls. He does that a lot. That's why they
call him old scratch)
Lucifer: How the fuck are you Forcas? Aah who the fuck am I kidding I don't give
a shit. I'm back from vacation so let's get to work.
Forcas: Vacation? I thought you were sick my Dread Lord. Lucifer: Yeah. My black heart started to fail. It filled up with water and goo and shit. I had to get a pacemaker. You believe that shit. But I got to spend a weekend at the Hamptons. That’s where all the demons and devils and monsters hang out. You know. White people. So do we have any new candidates?
Forcas: Well we have several new candidates you can choose from. There is the famous pretentious black female poet!
Lucifer: Really. That that doesn’t narrow it down. They are all pretentious bitches. Is it Gwendolyn Brooks? She is pretty talented
Forcas: No my dread Lord. It is Maya Angelou. Lucifer. Oh no. not that no talent cunt. I can’t listen to that shit. I already live in hell. Send out to be Nathan Bedford Forrest’s Maid. She can cook him pancakes and get butt fucked. He won’t enjoy it anyway. He gets there fastest with the moistest that quick draw ejaculating motherfucker. Who else do we have?
Forcas: We have famous baseball legend Don Zimmer.
Lucifer: Holy Ted Williams disembodied noggin! The Gerbil. Get him in here right now Don Zimmer(slides down the stairwell to hell and tumbles at the feet of Satan and his right hand fallen angel Forcas. He blearily rolls over and drops the racing form and the bottle of ExLax that he was holding) What the fuck...where am I? Is that you Buckner? Lucifer: You are in Hell Zimmer! Welcome. I bet you thought you were in Hell all the times the times you had to stick your head up Tom Yawkey’s ass. He loved the feel of your big bald head up in his bowels. That’s why he called you the gerbil. Now you are home. Think of this as the Fenway Park! Cause it is fuckin Hell.
Don Zimmer: How the fuck did I end up in Hell? I was a Yankee all those fuckin’ years! I know that Yankees never go to Hell! What the fuck?
Lucifer: Seriously you moron. You are not a true Yankee like Mantle or DiMaggio or Celerino Sanchez. You are a Cub. And a Red Sox. You know. A fuckin’ loser.
Don Zimmer: You mean I put up with George for nothing. Shit.
Lucifer: Look you big dummy. You were one of the worst managers in baseball history and you were a big part of the Red Sox. History. So straight to Hell!Forcas!
Forcas: Yes Sire. (two burly demons drag Don away and dump in a pit ) What do you want done with him.
Lucifer: Oh I don’t know. Tell you what. Have go down on Eleanor Roosevelt and stick his bald head up her twat. Her smelly twat. That should be hell for both of them. Forcas: Yes sire.
Lucifer: Have Marilyn and Ava Gardner come up to my room. I am horny. Tits.
Forcas: Vacation? I thought you were sick my Dread Lord. Lucifer: Yeah. My black heart started to fail. It filled up with water and goo and shit. I had to get a pacemaker. You believe that shit. But I got to spend a weekend at the Hamptons. That’s where all the demons and devils and monsters hang out. You know. White people. So do we have any new candidates?
Forcas: Well we have several new candidates you can choose from. There is the famous pretentious black female poet!
Lucifer: Really. That that doesn’t narrow it down. They are all pretentious bitches. Is it Gwendolyn Brooks? She is pretty talented
Forcas: No my dread Lord. It is Maya Angelou. Lucifer. Oh no. not that no talent cunt. I can’t listen to that shit. I already live in hell. Send out to be Nathan Bedford Forrest’s Maid. She can cook him pancakes and get butt fucked. He won’t enjoy it anyway. He gets there fastest with the moistest that quick draw ejaculating motherfucker. Who else do we have?
Forcas: We have famous baseball legend Don Zimmer.
Lucifer: Holy Ted Williams disembodied noggin! The Gerbil. Get him in here right now Don Zimmer(slides down the stairwell to hell and tumbles at the feet of Satan and his right hand fallen angel Forcas. He blearily rolls over and drops the racing form and the bottle of ExLax that he was holding) What the fuck...where am I? Is that you Buckner? Lucifer: You are in Hell Zimmer! Welcome. I bet you thought you were in Hell all the times the times you had to stick your head up Tom Yawkey’s ass. He loved the feel of your big bald head up in his bowels. That’s why he called you the gerbil. Now you are home. Think of this as the Fenway Park! Cause it is fuckin Hell.
Don Zimmer: How the fuck did I end up in Hell? I was a Yankee all those fuckin’ years! I know that Yankees never go to Hell! What the fuck?
Lucifer: Seriously you moron. You are not a true Yankee like Mantle or DiMaggio or Celerino Sanchez. You are a Cub. And a Red Sox. You know. A fuckin’ loser.
Don Zimmer: You mean I put up with George for nothing. Shit.
Lucifer: Look you big dummy. You were one of the worst managers in baseball history and you were a big part of the Red Sox. History. So straight to Hell!Forcas!
Forcas: Yes Sire. (two burly demons drag Don away and dump in a pit ) What do you want done with him.
Lucifer: Oh I don’t know. Tell you what. Have go down on Eleanor Roosevelt and stick his bald head up her twat. Her smelly twat. That should be hell for both of them. Forcas: Yes sire.
Lucifer: Have Marilyn and Ava Gardner come up to my room. I am horny. Tits.
3 comments:
Pity. He was collaborating w/ Maya on his memoirs, I Know Why the Cracked Skull Rings.
Satan is actually an impeccably dressed gentleman.
Well, the Evil Lord can actually appear in any guise he likes.
Lucifer gets Marilyn and heaven gets Natalie. It's a just universe.
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