Laura Bush's Diary

So I was busy last night watching the TV with the twins and cracking walnuts and doing tequila shots like we do most nights when W comes in from his den. He likes to hide out in his den and watch all the news programs on his big multi-TV set up that was left over from when he was president. So he comes bursting in all excited and red in the face.

“Laura, I just got a call from Dot on the special phone. She says she has been trying to reach you but she hasn’t been able to get you. Can you call her please. I don’t want her tying up the special phone you know.” “ No problemo W don’t get you knickers in a twist. You can be back to sexting in no time flat I promise.” “Shhhhh Laura not in front of the girls.”

You see W has a special cell phone that only a few people know about just like me. We have a very open marriage and we trust each other. Very few people have George’s private number. I mean I do and Cheney and his sister Dot and his bug eyed twat of mother of course. But ever since we revised our sex lists he has been carrying on with the one living member of his list that hasn’t croaked yet. You know I told you how we both have a list of five people we can bang without any questions asked. We only have one left on the revised list. Mine is Mike Tyson. And of course his is Betty White.

You see that silver haired ho has been sexting him for weeks now. He has been having a grand old time every night dropping some Ambien and sexting that octogenarian whore and rubbing one out while watching reruns of the Golden Girls. And she is one stone freak let me tell you. “What are you wearing Betty?” “Nothing but a push up bra and my crotchless edible Depends.” Now what good is crotchless Depends I ask you?

Anyhoo, I get out my phone and call up W’s sister Dorothy. Now we have always been good friends because we have a lot in common. I mean we both love W and hate his mother. But we also enjoy tequila, baseball, reading and nachos. Oh and we both love professional wrestling.

So after calling a few of her numbers I finally get a hold of her. “Hey girl what’s up with you? W told me you wanted to get a hold of me so here I am. What’s up?” “Laura, I am in a lot of trouble. Mr. Fuji has been calling me. He says he has to see me. What am I gonna do Laura, I miss him so but I can’t go back. He broke my heart. What am I going to do?” “Don’t you worry Dot. I will take care of it. You should just change your number and let me handle it. If worse comes to worse I will rev up the old Country Squire Station Wagon for some Road Kill sushi. But I don’t think it come to that.” “Thanks Laura, I know I can count on you.”

Dot came to stay with us when she got a divorce from her first husband. She couldn’t stay with her mom because she was all up in her face about the kids and the divorce and how it would look. She was crazed anyway because Poppy had just lost his re-election to Slick Willie and Bug eyed Barb was lashing out in every direction. We were back in Texas planning for W to run for governor in 1994 and minding our P’s and Q’s. We were really trying hard to stay on the straight and narrow. But you see that all went out the window the night the rassling show came to town.

You see I got a call from my monkey man. My one and only. My Gorilla Monsoon. He was in town and wanted to see me. I hadn’t seen him in a while and we had to catch up. I told W I was going to show and he wasn’t too happy. But you Gorilla was on my list and we really couldn’t say anything especially since that one eyed whore Sandy Duncan was coming to town in “Peter Pan” the next month. So he said it was ok as long as I brought Dot along so I wouldn’t get into any trouble. Now that was a hoot!

We get to the arena and pick up our tickets at will-call. It was an exciting night. Hulk Hogan was headlining but it was a full house of great wrestlers. Ricky the Dragon Steamboat . Big John Studd. Killer Khan and Sika. After the show we went back to the dressing room and I had to ditch her to steal some moments with my monkey man. Little did I know it wasn’t going to be a problem.

You see there was an elegant Oriental man in a black suit and bowler hat. He sort of looked like a James Bond villain but in fact he was the most hated manager in all of wrestling. His name was Mr. Fuji. Dot’s eyes bugged out of head like Barbara’s did when she saw a midget. She started to stammer and sweat. I had Gorilla introduce them and we slid out of there.When we came back it looked like a tornado had hit that dressing room. All of the stuff from the desk was on the floor and Mr. Fuji’s bowler hat had a big dent in it. Oh and Dot’s dress was on backwards. We kind of figured it out from there.

You see Dot had always had a thing for Asian men. Ever since she was a young girl in China when Poppy was the US envoy there. It seems she lost her cherry to Deng Xiaoping who was one horny little rascal. So Mr. Fuji assuaged her Yellow Fever as it were. She said he was the best sex she ever had. He ate her out like a champ. So they kept in contact. In fact she followed the wrestling circuit for a while until Poppy had to call the CIA in to put a stop to it. He married her off to Dr. Koch in 1992 and she had two more rug rats. But she told me she still creamed her pants every time she passed a sushi bar. So it was a bad mojo that Mr. Fuji was trying to get back in her life. I had to put a stop to it.

I would call Cheney but he has his own problems with his daughter so he is touchy about interfering in other peoples love lives. I know. I will give Michelle a call. She has been sucking up to me ever since Nancy spilled the beans about the First Ladies Traveling Underpants. Maybe she can get it done.