Toot’s Shors Saloon, September 25, 1961(Ethel Merman and Ernest Borgnine walk in holding hands)
Toots: Hey look at youse guys. How you doin' Ernie. And Ethel. What are you doing with this ugly mug.
Ernie Borgnine: Don't call her ugly Toots. That's my girl.
Toots: Your girl since when?
Ethel Merman: Don't listen to him you shithead. Ernie is just a little boy sometimes. But he has a monster cock. And he is not afraid to whip it out.
Toots: Well don't do it here in the vestibule. Com'on with me to the back room. There are a couple of people I want you to meet.
(Toots walks them to the back where Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe are sitting at a banquet. Joe is wearing two World Series rings. Marilyn is not wearing any panties. She is wearing a white dress and her makeup is mussed and her hair is disheveled. All of her hair)
Toots: Joe looks who's here. It's Ethel and Ernie. Get a load of the looks on these mugs!
Joe DiMaggio:
Marilyn: (in a breathy sexy voice) Hi Ernie. Nice to see you again. You too Ethel you nasty old twat (She stands up and extends her hand shyly and shakes with Ernie, she nods at Ethel and winks) So are you guys dating now?
Ethel Merman: Nah we just fucking you dumb twat.
Marilyn: Oh that's nice. I like fucking right Joe?
Joe DiMaggio:
Marilyn: Joe just helped me check out of the hospital and we are just fucking too.
Toots: Yeah he checked you out of the crazy house you bug house bitch.
Ernie Borgnine: But Ethel baby I want to get married.
Ethel Merman Oh we can do that baby.
Marilyn: But aren't you already married Ethel? (She is starting to get anxious and starts queefing like a mallard caught in a mousetrap)
Ethel Merman: Yeah so what. Mermans can marry more than one person at a time. It's part of our religion. Hey what's that sound? Is somebody fucking a duck?
Marilyn: Oh so you are a Mormon?
Ethel Merman: No I am a Merman. My mom had several guys living with her at the same time.
Ernie Borgnine: Wait a minute. Doesn't that make her a whore?
Ethel Merman: Shaadup stupid or I won't put that twisted carrot you call a dick in my mouth again and you will wacking off everyday like you were when I first met you.
Toots Shor: Blleeaaaahhhh (spits out his drink he’s laughing so hard)
Marilyn: What’s so funny Toots? Why is he laughing so hard Joe? (Marilyn is getting more anxious and excited and she starts queefing even more furiously to the point that she is secreting like a snail on speed)
Ethel Merman: Jesus is somebody eating some bad codfish? It smells like Joan Crawford's breath in here. Open a fucking window you cheap hebe. Com'om Ernie lets get the fuck out of here. Let's go to Joe Allen's. There everything will be coming up roses not fuckin' mackerel. (She grabs Ernie by the short hairs and marches him out the door)
Marilyn: (visibly calming down) Thank God they left. She makes me nervous . So Joe do you want to get a bite before we go home.
Joe DiMaggio: Yeah a plate of Bacala just like my mother used to make. With black olives. You know I love the smell of that.
Marilyn: Oh Joe I love you.
6 comments:
I'm glad my old man died before all the shit came out about Joe D. My father and grandfather worshipped him. Just finished The Last Boy, the bio of Mantle. Stan the Man was a much better person than Joe and Mick. And, I worshipped Joe and Mick.
Believe it or not Kardashisn-What's His Name lasted longer than Merman-Borgnine. What that proves I don't know but I find it fascinating.
Ernie outlived her by a mile. He must a a longevity secret.
ndspinnelli--what shit came out about Joe D?
Everyone knew he was tightwad.
Fred, More than his being tight. His condescension, arrogance, not giving a shit about fans, insisting on being called "The greatest living ballplayer", treating his son and brothers like shit. Although my old man did hate tightwads, he could look past that..but not the other shit.
The Cramer book was quite edifying.
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