The Dubious Case of the Disappearing Douchebag

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been some time since I have last requested you assistance in the troubling matter of the not so recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag. This curious case has dragged on and on. However I am pleased to announce that the case if officially closed due to lack of interest. My superiors at the Yard have directed me to move on and no longer investigate this matter as they are bored and do not consider a Douchebag important enough to devote any resources to this investigation.

In view of these facts I would like to consult you on a different matter entirely. It seems that a member of Parliament has decided to present himself for consideration as Prime Minister and has caused quite a bit of consternation in the ranks of the Tory Party. As such they have asked that the Yard investigate to determine if they should take him seriously and I have been directed to pursue inquires along this line. You will of course understand the need for discretion as I can not commit his name to this missive in case it might fall into the wrong hands.

The first question is the matter of his ancestry. He appears to be a Moor or perhaps a Hottentot. Although he has a full mastery of the English language, he speaks with a strange intonation as though he might be originally a native of the Southern part of the United States. One would think that he might be from South Africa as he is often referred to as a Boer but I believe that might be a misnomer as he is reality a Bore.

Then there is the question of his prior employment as the owner of several taverns that specialize in the sale of large pieces of bread covered in various vegetables and meats that would be consumed by weary travelers on the roads of the commonwealth. It seems that some controversies have developed over his relationships with some of the tavern wenches who claim he might have been overfamilar with their persons. Given the history of the behavior of these strumpets it is hard to imagine what they would consider overfamiliarity but I would venture to suggest it would include nakedness, debauchery and whale oil. I will endeavor to determine the details and will reserve judgment until we have developed more facts.

Finally there is the matter of the strange attire that this Member has occasion to wear to Parliament. He often wears what is considered normal if somewhat somber garb but occasional appears in a breechcloth and headdress without explanation. There seems to be no rhyme no reason to his choice of costume and your input as to his dress would be most helpful as you sometime change your attire in what some would consider an inappropriate way. So perhaps you might give some perspective as to his sartorial choices.

I would like to ask if you would consider if you might serve as a resource and consultant regarding this matter as your experience and deductive talents lend itself to determining a line of questioning when we have so few facts to rely on in our investigation.

I hope all is well with you and Doctor Watson and wish that you convey my best wishes to your estimable brother Mycroft. I have not seen him at the club since that unfortunate business with the stable boy and the bloodied knickers. I hope that situation has been resolved amicably and without the need for further involvement of the Queen's justice.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
November 5, 1898