Forcas: Will you be interviewing any new announcers my dread Lord? I know that there are several new candidates.
Lucifer: Sure thing Forcas that sounds like fun. Waddaya got? Did the alumni hang any of those Penn State kid touchers yet or do we have to wait for them to die of old age? Those vigilantes are really getting to be pussies you know.
Forcas: No I am sorry sire. They didn't get lynched. In fact it seems most of them got raises and not just the raise they got in their pants during the Little League World Series.
Lucifer: Well that sucks. Who do we have coming down the shute?
Forcas: Yes mi lord. We have the famous curmudgeon and noted liberal twat Andy Rooney.
Lucifer: Really. Well that should be good for a laugh. We never get Giant Fans down here. Send that old fuck down here.
Andy Rooney: (tumbles through the trap door to fall in front of the throne of Lucifer)Did you ever get the feeling that you are burning in the fiery pits of Hell?
Lucifer: I am so glad you feel you octogenarian oleaginous asshole. You are in Hell. Not the fiery pits yet because I still have to give you your assignment but that is a distinct possibility.
Andy Rooney: Did you ever get the feeling that the Devil was talking to you and you don't understand what he is saying and it turns out he is really not the Devil but is in fact Morley Safer?
Lucifer: I ain't Morley Safer you lying sack of shit. You are in Hell which is pretty surprising since the Big Guy wants all the New York Giants and New York Yankee fans up in heaven with him. But he scheduled you for Hell for a long freaking time. You get a spot in the liberal main stream media section between Daniel Schor and Peter Jennings. You commies get an express ride right to the hot seat. We aren't getting another Giant Fan until Bon Jovi shows up right Forcas?
Forcas: That's right my dread Lord. It seems that the Big Guy hates him because he had the career that Southside Johnny should have had and he is a wrathful God.
Lucifer: You are lucky though Rooney. I have an opening for PA Announcer so here is a script to read. Let's see what you can do.
Andy Rooney: Did you ever get the feeling that you are wasting your time in Hell. I mean you might have been pretty bad on Earth ....being a Penn State Kid Toucher....or one of those dirty hippies crapping on a police car .....or just generally a Democrat ....but then you end up in Hell when all you ever did was want to tell people how to act because you knew better than them about salt and transfat and light bulbs and global warmin......AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEE (a trap down opens and he is unceremoniously dropped into the hottest pit of hell).
Lucifer: Jeez I forgot how much I hate this annoying fuck. That's why he lived so long. Nobody wanted him. Forcas have him in the room with all those Green Bay Packers. That should be punishment enough for all of them. Let's go watch some TV. I hear that Joey Buttafuco movie with the broad with the big Tits from "Who's the Boss" is on TBS.
5 comments:
octogenarian oleaginous asshole.
nonagenarian know-nothing would fit too.
Satan is gonna regret this big time.
Purgatory seems the best choice; then nobody has to deal with him until the end of time, and by then maybe he'd figure out he better oughtta just shut up.
Even Satan told him he had to trim those fucking eyebrows.
I just found out that Andy had three homes. But guess where they were? NYC of course. And then a 2nd home in Rensaerville or something like that in upstate New York. And then a 3rd home in Connecticut. Who has 3 homes clustered tight or in a tight cluster in the northeast? That alone is stupid enough to deserve hell.
Renselearville. The spelling's still not right. But it's closer!
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