Laura Bush's Diary

The girls and I had gone away to Houston for a couple of days because we wanted to catch the beginning of the Dallas Cowboys training camp, Now as you may know we are big football fans in the Bush house. So when Jenna and Barbara decided they wanted to go to check out practice I was happy to tag along. It brought back some fond memories for me let me tell you. All those times Lance Rentzel drove by my school and waved to us without even using his hands. But the Cowboys are kinda dull this season since they seem to have gotten rid of all the crazies and the criminals. I’m gonna miss the Big Tuna. Not old Barbara cause that was her nickname in her sorority. Not just because of her size, but kinda cause of the smell.

Anyhoo when we got home I heard W in front of the TV jibber jabbering away like he has been doing all the time these days. I swear that man is a caution. I mean he doesn’t have an outlet like he had before when he was president. Before when he got like that Cheney use to let him invade some A-rab country and bomb some of them there towel heads but now he doesn’t have a harmless outlet for all of his energy.

So I go into the TV room and say “What is it this time W? Did Hillary have her period again and bitch slap some Nigerian again?” “No Laura it’s much worse than that. The NFL has let Michael Vick back into the league. Can you imagine that?”

And you know I really couldn’t. I mean it wasn’t like all the other fella’s who got liquored up and murdered their girlfriends or ran over somebody with the Country Squire station wagon. I mean that could happen to anybody. But to have dog fights? Why that ain’t natural. I mean everybody loves dogs.

Of course that reminds me of a story. It was just after W’s dog Spotty Fetcher had to be given the Obama death panel treatment after it had a few strokes. The girls were really upset and they were crying and carrying on to beat the band. Well old Barb was at the White House and she was really helpful. You see Barb wasn’t sentimental. Not in the least. She once had a maid put to sleep because she sneezed on her. But that was in China were they served pets as appetizers so it wasn’t a big deal.

Anyhoo, Old Barb wanted to stop all the caterwauling and crying and what not. It was interfering with her enjoyment of the rasslin’ matches which were about to come on the TV. So she called the girls into the study and we went in and shut the door. “You got to get over it girls, it’s just a dumb animal” the old bat said. “But Gran I loved that little puppy, so much” wailed Jenna. Jenna is the more loving and emotional one of my girls. Barbara takes after her Granny which is why she can’t get laid but that’s another story. “Aren’t you sad when you pets die” asked Barbara who seemed a little put out by her sisters emotional display. “You can’t get too attached to your pets; I have seen it cause too many problems. It was what ended up costing Richard Nixon his presidency.” “What the fuck” I said. “You have to explain that you lying sack of shit.”

“It’s true. You know old Dick Nixon got tired of Pat long before he got to the White House. He couldn’t stand Pat. He hadn’t touched her in thirty years. In fact I think they only did it twice in their whole marriage. So Pat had to look around for other outlets. She wasn’t much on human contact. She was Irish you know how those bog trotters are. So eventually she decided there was only one thing to do. She bought a trained dog.”

“No Gran you can’t be serious” Jenna wailed. “Yes I am. She started with that little facockter spaniel Checkers. She trained him by smearing Alpo on her twat. That little dickens got in there with his long rough tongue and went to funky town. That was the real reason why Nixon wouldn’t give up that dog. He would have had to get a divorce and nobody would vote for a divorced man. Even one who could claim his wife had an affair with a cocker spaniel.” “I find that really hard to believe Barb” I said. “What proof do you have of any of this?” “Of Checkers? Nothing really but that wasn’t the real problem. You see Pat kept getting worse and worse. Tricky Dick pacified her by giving her a succession of canine companions and shutting her up in the attic like it was fuckin” Jane Eyre or something. But it all went to shit finally when he got that Irish Setter King Timahoe.”

“What do you mean?” “Well that Irish setter was your typical Mick. He liked to drink. When Pat was in her cups which was every night back then she would fill up his water bowl with Jameson and Guinness. It was the invention of the Irish car bomb. The dog would get soused and you know an Irishman. When he gets his load on he would screw anything from a sow to his sister and never know the difference. So the next thing you know ….well let’s just say Pat was into a whole new thing.” “I can’t believe that bullshit you are making it up.” “I wish I were. But you see they had this new eager beaver White House Photographer called David Kennerly who was all over the place taking photos. Nixon was big on photos and tapes and making a record of what he thought would be a triumphal presidency. So Kennerly had this thing where he would burst in and photo whatever was on the other side of the door. He got a photo of Julie and that nerdy David Eisenhower that made them get married. He got one of Hadleman and Erlichman and Diane Sawyer that still makes me laugh. But he messed up when he got one of Pat and King Timahoe. Let’s just say it was real revealing. To say the least.” “My God does that photo still exist.” “Well that was the interesting thing. Larry O’Donnell got a hold of a copy and he had it in his office at the Watergate and that was what Liddy was trying to get a hold of. They got it but they got caught. Hoover ended up with it in his file and O’Donnell couldn’t say anything because he also had a photo of O’Donnell and Rosemary Kennedy. After she had the lobotomy. So it was a stalemate. Of course no body couldn’t say anything about anything. And it just proves one thing. You can’t get too close to your pets. Now shut the fuck up because the WWF is coming on and I don’t want to hear it.”