Well I have to tell you I had a pretty shitty Labor Day Weekend. You see W wanted to go see his folks so we had to go up to Kennebunkport and hang with Poppy and the bug eyed twat. They are getting on in years so we want to be sure to see them as much as we can. I mean I love Poppy. Who doesn't love Poppy? He is a wonderful kind man who has done so much for me and the country as well. But his fuckin hose bag of a wife is another kettle of rancid smelly fish.
You see old Barb has been on the warpath lately. She is pissed because Jeb is not running for President. He was always her favorite. At least until he married the maid. Eventually she got over it and started pressing Poppy to put him in as President. But when he went back to the Trilateral commission they all preferred W. So he go in there before her fair haired boy and the old harridan has been pissed ever since.
Now don't get me wrong. W loves his Mama and she loves him in her way. She just loves other things more. Jeb. Tequila. Oh yeah and midget rassling.
So we are sitting up there having a barbeque. All the kids are running around playing sports expect for Jeb's daughter who is torching up an eight ball behind the gazebo. W and Poppy are sitting on the lawn laughing at a bloopers clip they made of the Jug Eared Jesus' TV appearances. Which is basically every speech the dumb fuck makes. And I am stuck on the porch with Doro and the evil pop eyed twat. Barb is knocking back tequila shots and cracking walnuts with her thighs. She has extremely strong thighs by the way. She needed them to force Poppy to complete the job when he went south of the border. He didn't do it all that often so when he did she imprisoned him there till he got the job done. Poor Poppy would get all disoriented and confused and dehydrated before he was done. I think that was where he came up with the thousand points of light bullshit. That's what he saw before he was finished. Hee.
So Barb is cracking the walnuts and spitting in her spittoon and just being a disgusting old hag like she always did. We had to listen to a monologue of bullshit as usual. How Jeb should be President. How Sarah Palin was a whore because Caribou Barbie might get the nomination instead of her Jebby. Eventually she was going to get down to me and how I was a no good mother since I don't have any grand children and what not. So had to distract her. Luckily I had just the thing.
"Hey Barb you smelly old twat did you hear what they are putting on TruTV?" I asked the octogenarian asshole.
"No what another rip off show in a Pawn Shop where a buncha schvartzes are getting reamed by a greasy Hebe?" she sputtered.
"They already got one of those. No there is a new show you're gonna love. Starring Hulk Hogan. Guess what bitch. It's Midget Wrestling. That's right. Tiny little people in spandex jumping on each other. It's the Micro Wrestling Federation and they are gonna have a show on TruTV this Fall. I bet your depends just got wet you filthy hosebag." I had to laugh.
"Are you lying to me like the time you ran over your ex boyfriend you pasty faced bitch.?" she screeched.
"No Mama" said Doro who is W's sister. "It's true. I saw the commercials. I hope you aren't going to invite them here like you used to do in the White House."
"Shut up stupid. If they really are going to do this I am inviting them all here. Wheel me into the library I have to call Cheney on the Bat Phone. He will set it up. Com'on snap to it before I snap your pencil neck you idiot!"
So Doro wheeled her in the library and we didn't see her for the rest of the weekend. Everybody was overjoyed about that. She just kept calling for more tequila and walnuts. Oh and a kielbasa. Thank God Jeb's wife was there since we had to give our Mexicans off for the Holiday.
After all it was Labor Day.
7 comments:
Trooper, I think you should be a contributor to The Onion..hilarious. However, when you download photos like this it is no surprise your computer gets infected!
Hello, My name is Tucker Frederickson. I was an All American running back @ Auburn and played for the NY Giants in the 1960's. I was surprised when the Giants drafted me but shortly after meeting w/ the owner, Wellington Mara, I learned why.
The Giants did their homework. Not only did they scout my games, they did some background on my private life. You see, like Mr. Mara, and many Giant greats, I am a cross dresser. I learned shortly after signing w/ the Giants that the great Vince Lombardi was considered by Mr. Mara for the head coaching job. But, when Lombardi learned that he would need to turn a blind eye to cross dressing he declined the position. You know the rest of the story in that regard. The Packers signed the greatest coach in NFL history, went on to win Super Bowls, and we just kind of puttered along.
After signing w/ the Giants I learned that Rosey Grier was traded because he was not discreet enough regarding the Giant's cross dressing heritage. When he started knitting his own clothes, he was traded to LA. That kind of shit is mainstream in California.
So..like Ernie Koy, Del Shofner, Sam Huff, Homer Jones, and Frank Gifford, I kept a low profile. Allie Sherman, a liberal Jew coach, made sure we were protected from the savage NY media. However, being football players, it was difficult to find women's apparel. We knew we couldn't make our own like Rosey, that left a paper[pattern] trail. So..it was St. Vincent de Paul, Goodwill, etc. However, we have pride and the selection was often demeaning @ those venues.
When Ray Handley was hired as the first cross dressing NFL head coach, we thought the tide had turned. He was not out in the open but we all hoped if he won a few Super Bowls..maybe we could come out of the closet. But, Ray was seen wearing a cute skirt/sweater ensemble on Fire Island and the shit hit the fan.
The lives of all cross dressing NFL players changed when we learned of Lee Lee's Valise in Brooklyn. She provided us w/ not only fashionable clothing, but w/ unconditional love and support. There is a problem w/ her husband. He often sits near the dressing room mumbling under his breath about "real men" and "John Wayne". But, all NFL cross dressers[the Steelers have a long tradition as do the Lions..Alex Karras loved silk undergarments] have come to trust the vivacious Lee Lee and just tolerate her curmudgeonly husband.
I have read her husband's blog recently. He seems to be overcompensating by blasting the Packers and embellishing the Giants. Since the Packers won against a great team in week one and the Giants lost to the Deadskins, he should keep his pie hole shut. But..insecure men like him don't ever let facts get in the way of vitriol.
Defeated by the fucking Deadskins? You have got to be shitting me. Now I understand the symbolism of the midget picture.
I forgot to throw in at least one good Wisconsin "SHAME!". Come on Giants, play like you mean it. Redskins my ass...
Listen. You can't win every division game every year. That was tough loss. This just means that the Giants have to win a game they were supposed to lose since they lost a game they were supposed to win.
I hear ya, Troop. I am from the DC area and detest the Redskins. It's a shame they defeated the Giants.
But I can always applaud the winning ways of the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets.
Why did that keep coming up "Jest"? Hmm...
LOL Trooper this is hilarious. Damn, I don't visit your blog often enough-- great stuff here.
Reminds me of IMAO's (Frank J's) long-ago series "In My World," starring Rumsfeld & the gang, which I loved. This is just as good.
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