Dear Mrs. Steve Phillips
Well I haven't written to you in a while you frigid bitch. I have been having a bad time. Ever since Peety Gaamons threw me out of the assisted living facility because I mixed up the Ben Gay and the K-Y jelly things have been tough.
The massage gig ended when my biggest customer AL got in trouble with some redheaded bitch in California and he stopped coming to my massage parlor. The bitch that ran it decided to stick with Korean girls who were illegal and don't speak English. So I was out on the street.
I had to sleep in my Acura for a couple of months. You know my Acura. It's where I had sex with your dirt bag husband Steve three times. That's right three times.
Here is a picture of the first night we did it. He noticed me when we were on the field and he had to get him some of this. We went into the parking lot and he had me put on the Mr. Met Head and he made me turn around and he back doored me right in my Cookie Rojas. It was heaven. I don't know why it had to end.
You never loved him you bitch. With your fancy house in Connecticut and your kids and all your teeth. Stevie liked that I had snaggly teeth. It liked how it rubbed up and scraped his tiny little peter. Of course his peter wasn't as tiny as Peter Gaamon's peety but that is only because Red Sox fans have the smallest ones in the major leagues. Stevie loved it when I took it out under the desk while he was reading the scores on Baseball tonight. And now it is all over.
YOU BITCH!!!! YOU RUINED IT ALL!!!!!!!
Anyway I just wanted you to know that you didn't win. I am getting back on my feet. I mean I am still on my knees but I am getting back on my feet. Charlie Sheen just hired me to be a nanny for his kids. What about them apples bitch.
By the way I love the new clothes that the kids got for back to school. Especially the little one. Just tell him that he has to careful who he friends on face book. You never know who it might be that is sending him photo's of her Cookie Rojas.I bet that's the first time somebody winked at him with a brown eye. Just sayn.
Oh and remember to look both ways when you are crossing the street especially if you see a brown Acura with a busted back window.
Toodles,
Your pal,
Brooke.
5 comments:
Hilarious! I have only one complaint. When I moved to KC in 1975 Cookie Rojas was their second baseman. I resent you bastardizing his name. How about using Cookie Lavagetto or Pumpsie Green?
You have to hit on the tag at the bottom of the post to see the rest of the series as there are a bunch of them.
It is one of my favorite if very obscure series. You have to be a baseball fan and know who Steve Phillips is to enjoy them.
Toodles is my sign off bitch.
I thought it was clouds?
My mother was in love with Cookie Lavagetto. Well, not in love, more like thrilled that she could throw his name into a conversation that had turned to baseball since the name Cookie Lavagetto was the thing, and I mean the only thing, she knew about baseball and the Dodgers in particular.
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