Dear Mrs. Steve Phillips

Hi you don't know me but I am the assistant who has been having sex with your husband for the last year. You know while he was working up at ESPN. Now you must know that it is a requirement that all of the assistants who live and work in Connecticut have to have stinky dirty sex with the on air talent. And not just at ESPN. That's also why David Letterman lives up here.

Anyway I want you to know that it wasn't just dirty filthy nasty sex between Steve and me. We love each other. I know that because all three times that he banged me he grunted that yes he loved it. And by it I am sure he meant me. I mean I know he made me wear a bag over my head with a picture of Robbie Alomar on it but that was just kinky stuff you know. I mean after all the man ran the Mets so he has to be kind of kinky.

Oh and if you don't believe me I just have to tell you that is dick is kinky too! It bends to the left and he has a birthmark in the shape that looks a lot like Jerry Koosman right on his taint. Just in case you think I was making this up.

Now Steve told me all about your family. About your seven kids. I have been facebooking them all and I know everything about you. You know you should tell your sons not to write back to every woman who facebooks them and sends them pictures of her pooter. I mean it was ok for me to do it but then I am practically part of the family.

So you should know that Steve and I were meant to be together since you don't love him and would never give him anal like I would. I think you might have seen me when I dropped off this letter and you were walking up the driveway. I drove off kind of fast and I am sorry that I ran over your mailmen. But he was Chinese so I am sure there are plenty more where he came from. Sorry about that.

Anyway I think you should realize that you can not stop Steve and me from being together. You can keep the mansion and the cars and the jewelry and the seven kids. All I want is Steve to live with me in my studio apartment in my fathers basement. We just want to be together! You have to realize that Steve doesn't love you since I am the fifty seventh woman he has fucked this year. But I am the last. He loves me. So I think what you should do is give Steve his freedom.

I think that would be best for all concerned.

Anyways, thanks for listening. I am on my way to the pet store to buy a bunny.

Your pal,

Brooke Hundley