Laura Bush's Diary

So I was sitting in the den having a couple of tequila shots and eating peanuts with W. We were enjoying the TV and were watching this new show with Robyn Williams. It was pretty funny. They had Buffy and one of the gay dudes from "Mad Men" and the dickhead brother from "Old Christine." It was about an advertising agency and it had Kelly Clarkson on the first episode. Boy she has porked up nicely. She looks really good with a few extra pounds on her. More natural in a way.

Anywho there was a newsbreak about the government shut down and we both turned to each other and started to laugh. "That's pretty funny Laura. Remember the last time we had a big government shut down?" "Damn straight  W. I have to give Robyn a call and we can laugh about it." So I get out the Bat Phone and give Robyn a call. I haven't spoken to her in a while and it is always fun to catch up. She is semi-retired and living in the Porn Actors Retirement home with Ginger Lynn and Kay Parker and Vanessa Del Rio. They had a very strong union.

I finally get through to her and she is exhausted as she had just finished a granny porn video with a Miley Cyrus look-a-like. She was twerking with a wet Depends on her head. It sounded pretty gross.

"Hey Robyn girl how you doing?" "Pretty good Laura how is W feeling these days?" "Better since they put in a stent. His heart is much better these days. The only problem was the nurses were fucking idiots. One of them gave him the wrong medication. They were supposed to give him a water pill but instead they gave him Viagra and his dick got stuck in his piss bucket for four hours. What a bunch of third world morons." "That sounds tough Laura. So what's up baby?" "W and I were just laughing about the government stoppage and when you got called in to fix it." "Oh shit girl don't bring that shit up. That was the worst dick I ever sucked. You bitch why did you have to bring that up?"

You see it was back in the last few weeks when I was living in New York with Robyn Byrd, Joey Heatherton and Anita Gillette.  We were all going to go our own ways after the lease ran out. I had met Prescott Bush back at the Bohemian Grove and he started planning to set me up with W. He was going to pay my way through teachers college while taught his naïve young son a thing or two. Anyway he calls me and says that there is a big problem and maybe I could help him, Or at least point him in the right direction. He said I should come to the Waldorf to discuss it.

So I took the day off from the Peep Show and took a cab there. When I walked into the suite there was Prescott Bush, Walter Jenkins, Bill Moyers and Jack Valenti. I couldn't understand what the problem was and why all these Democrats were in a room with Prescott Bush Mr. Super Republican.

"Hey Laura darling have a seat" said the suave conservative Senator. "We have a bit of a problem. There seems to be a presidential stoppage and we don't know what to do about it." "A stoppage of what Senator? His heart?" "If only it were that simple Laura. It seems the President can't come. He tries and tries and now he can barely even pee. He has been to every doctor in the book and nobody can cure him. We are at our wits end. Finally Walter here came up with a suggestion."

Walter Jenkins was a very handsome man but boy was he gay. He was as gay Liberace. Or that dirty bloggers kids. Just gay as gay can be. Anyway he had an interesting notion about fixing this.
"He just needs his Johnson sucked real good. That will expel all of the bad humors and end this stoppage. I know it will work."  "That sounds strange but what does that have to do with me" I said.
"Oh I don't know honey. I suggested Sal Mineo but Moyers here the holy roller nixed that. You were Prescott Bush's idea."

I was mortified. "What kind of girl do you think I am Senator? Really. I never." "Please Laura don't kid a kidder. J Edgar has those photos of you and Gorilla Monsoon and Officer Joe Bolton. You can't fool me. But all we want is you contacts in the porn world. Who gives the best blowjob in the business? We need the best. The country's future depends on it. If LBJ doesn't get some relief he might bomb China or something. So what do you say?"

Well I was in a quandary. Lots of the girls I knew were great sword swallowers. Anita was no slouch. Joey was pretty good from all those times she had to nurse Chuck McCann's tiny little prick to life so her Dad wouldn't fired at WPIX. But I guess the best was my roommate Robyn.

"You need to get Robyn Byrd. She can do it if anyone can. If you need to convince her just call her boyfriend Meyer Lansky and he will convince her. He can get her to do anything." "That's great Laura I will give Meyer a call. He sits on the Trilateral commission with me and we can work this out no problem. Now go home and start packing. I want you to meet W next month at an ice cream social. By the way there aren't any old boyfriends in Texas that we will have to worry about are there?" said Prescott Bush. "That's what Country Squire Station wagons are for Senator. No problem." "Good girl. I will speak to you soon."

So I went home to pack. You didn't disobey a direct order from Prescott Bush if you know what was good for you. Later Robyn filled me on what happened.. She had to go the oval office and give LBJ the best hummer he had in his life. It took a lot of work. She had to dress up like Pearl Bailey and the President had to be fingering one of his beagles but she finally got him off. What happened was that he had kidney stones. Real bad. That was what caused the Presidential stoppage as it were. They phonied up a scar to pretend he had surgery. He displayed it to all the reporters. But the fact is he got fucked behind the scenes.

Just like we are going to be when they negotiate this stoppage. Some things never change.