(Hell’s Broadcast Booth at the PA microphone)
Lucifer: This is getting monotonous. All right Lynde I will give you another shot. How many times have you tried out now? Thirty? Forty?
Paul Lynde: I am going to keep trying until I get it right. Much like I told Charley Weaver in the dressing room of Hollywood Squares. Of course that was before Viagra you know.
Lucifer: Well you are a funny little mo I give you that. Much better than that loser Monty Cliff. Damn that fuckin’ guy is gloomy Gus. What the hell…..I mean this is hell….how much worse can it get?
Paul Lynde: Well a lot worse. Just wait to Jimmy Carter gets here.
Lucifer: You got a point there nancy boy. Ok you’re up.
Paul Lynde: Thanks for noticing Beelzebub.
Lucifer: Cut the grab ass and start reading the announcements.
Paul Lynde: Okay sweetie….ATTENTION…ATTENTION….ALL THE TOURTURED SOULS IN HELL…..Our latest arrival Ted Kennedy will be giving back stroke lessons at the river of fire so all you members of Greenpeace and PETA please be sure to attend as you will be tossed into the river this afternoon after your balls are chewed off by wolverines….…Ted Williams, Tom Yawkey and Smokey Joe Wood will please go to the TV lounge where they will be watching an endless loop of Michael Kay interviewing Yankee stars on Center Stage…….Tony Randall will report to Charles Bukoski’s room with a broken vacuum cleaner …..and Warren G Harding and Errol Flynn will report to the Plato’s retreat room with a bottle with a hole in the bottom and the blonde without one….oh and Plato should report there too!
Lucifer: Not bad there you pusilamous poofter. I will take your audition under advisement. Take him away boys.
Paul Lynde: But I did great….I really I want the job…(two burly demons grab him and start to drag him away)…I have a lot of good dirt you can use to get more people down here….Betty White is a whore…..Alex Trebeck likes to eat poop….Wink Martindale likes to get fisted by Mexican Midgets wearing brass Knuckles…..NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Lucifer: Hey throw him in the pit between those phony Christian martyrs and the lions….Paul Lynde for the block…..hee, hee.
Lucifer: This is getting monotonous. All right Lynde I will give you another shot. How many times have you tried out now? Thirty? Forty?
Paul Lynde: I am going to keep trying until I get it right. Much like I told Charley Weaver in the dressing room of Hollywood Squares. Of course that was before Viagra you know.
Lucifer: Well you are a funny little mo I give you that. Much better than that loser Monty Cliff. Damn that fuckin’ guy is gloomy Gus. What the hell…..I mean this is hell….how much worse can it get?
Paul Lynde: Well a lot worse. Just wait to Jimmy Carter gets here.
Lucifer: You got a point there nancy boy. Ok you’re up.
Paul Lynde: Thanks for noticing Beelzebub.
Lucifer: Cut the grab ass and start reading the announcements.
Paul Lynde: Okay sweetie….ATTENTION…ATTENTION….ALL THE TOURTURED SOULS IN HELL…..Our latest arrival Ted Kennedy will be giving back stroke lessons at the river of fire so all you members of Greenpeace and PETA please be sure to attend as you will be tossed into the river this afternoon after your balls are chewed off by wolverines….…Ted Williams, Tom Yawkey and Smokey Joe Wood will please go to the TV lounge where they will be watching an endless loop of Michael Kay interviewing Yankee stars on Center Stage…….Tony Randall will report to Charles Bukoski’s room with a broken vacuum cleaner …..and Warren G Harding and Errol Flynn will report to the Plato’s retreat room with a bottle with a hole in the bottom and the blonde without one….oh and Plato should report there too!
Lucifer: Not bad there you pusilamous poofter. I will take your audition under advisement. Take him away boys.
Paul Lynde: But I did great….I really I want the job…(two burly demons grab him and start to drag him away)…I have a lot of good dirt you can use to get more people down here….Betty White is a whore…..Alex Trebeck likes to eat poop….Wink Martindale likes to get fisted by Mexican Midgets wearing brass Knuckles…..NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Lucifer: Hey throw him in the pit between those phony Christian martyrs and the lions….Paul Lynde for the block…..hee, hee.
12 comments:
Wolverines...wolverines...on my list of ways I don't want to die, being eaten by an animal is near the top.
They don't kill them. They just eat thier balls. And just when they grow back and they can use them again, the wolverines rip them off again.
That's why it's hell.
Now how can the devil grow back their balls.
He is using the same doctors as the South African track team.
You put Paul Lynde in hell? So he was a 'mo. The guy was amusing and harmless.
Why can't they be like we were,
Perfect in every way,
What's the matter with kids today?
He is only in hell because of the way he tormented Wally Cox. I mean Wally never hurt anybody. But Paul was jealous about him and Marlon Brando so he made his life a living hell.
Plus he used to see Elizabeth Montgomery naked all the time and he never did anything about.
He has to burn in hell for that alone.
Just sayn'
He gave Wally tsuras? Burn baby, burn.
I agree, E. Montgomery was quite the unit, Paul deserves hell for not trying to hit that. BTW, thanks for leaving Farrah out of this one.
Hey guys, I made the wire photo of the tea party! I have the offending image up at my blog http://drinktunes.blogspot.com/
Give it a look!
Trey
ricpic : You put Paul Lynde in hell?
Hello! He was a warlock, that means he made a pact with the devil. When I was a kid they'd show undercover footage of him and his coven almost every day.
I always like Paul Lynde. His obnoxious voice, dripping with hot sarcasm, just might be the added salt to the wound of having to burn for eternity. I'll venture a guess that he's a finalist.
I didn't WANT to like Paul Lynde or anyone else on that ridiculous show, Hollywood Squares, but they sure were funny.
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