Laura Bush's Diary,

I had just come home with the girls from the Young Republicans Bake Sale and recruitment drive out at TCU. Jenna had whipped up a batch of her famous hash brownies and they were a big hit. Kay Bailey Hutchinson had a whole plateful and got snockered. She kept hitting on the Mexican bus boys. She can really be a horny bitch when she gets her load on let me tell you.

Well we were feeling no pain when we drove up to the ranch in the convertible. I saw W on the porch and he had a really sad expression on his face. I knew something was wrong. I got out of the car and went up to him and said “Well I guess somebody died. That’s the only time you have that face on. Oh and when they canceled Buffy the Vampire Slayer. What happened?” W shook his head. “Bad news I’m afraid Laura.” He reached out to hold my hand. “I am afraid that Captain Lou is in the big rasslin match in the sky.”

I let out a wail. “Oh no that’s terrible. Not Captain Lou Albano. Not another one of our friends from those days. That poor man. That poor man. How can we ever have fun again..?” W embraced me as I let it out. I had to have a good cry. You see Captain Lou Albano had been a mentor. A friend. A rock. He was a hero!

You see after my time in New York I moved back to Texas and W and I started keeping company. I had left the old gang behind. Robin Byrd. Anita Gillette. Al Goldstein. Matty the Horse. Even my Gorilla, my monkey man, my Gorilla Monsoon. You see Gorilla knew we could never have a future. I had to settle down and get married and start a family. It was time. And W and I were in love. You see W was not jealous. He didn’t care about my past. He had his own past and was man enough to know that it didn’t matter if we loved each other. Plus he was shit faced half the time and wasn’t tracking anything so it was all good.

So we got married and were living in a suburb of Dallas while George was in the National Guard and hiding papers so he could eventually get Dan Rather fired when an old friend came to town. Joey Heatherton had just married a receiver for the Dallas Cowboys named Lance Rentzel and she was living part of the time in Dallas during the season. It was great. When W was away on Guard duty, Joey would call me up and I would meet her for a few cocktails with her and her friends on the team. W was happy about that because he was a big fan and loved to meet all the guys on the team. But there was a problem. A big problem. You see that Dallas Cowboys team had the biggest collection of sexual perverts this side of a Directors Guild meeting in Hollywood.

Joey confided in me that her husband Lance couldn’t get it up. In fact he was a wienie wagger who could only get it hard if he was exposing himself to young girls. It was terrible. The Cowboys didn’t know what to do. The only way they kept it under control during the season was the fact that there were so many other perverts on the team You see Bob Lilly and Chuck Howley liked to dress up like young girls. In pinafores and patent leather shoes. So they would dress up in the locker room and Lance would get his rocks off loping his mule while they squealed like little girls. It worked for everyone.

Well except for Don Meredith. He was a big old homo. He kept a beagle and used to ads in the Village Voice talking about how his power glutes could take care of your milky loads. That’s why Howard Cosell hated him. Howard was a homophobe. Ever since he caught the clap from Tony Randall when he got a blowjob when he was a guest star on the Odd Couple.

The Cowboy management covered it all up. They had to with the problem they had with Tom Landry. You see he was obessed with feces. He loved it. Bathed in it. That why the Giants wouldn’t name him head coach and he had to settle for Dallas. He had the cheerleaders dump on him all the time leaving Cleveland Steamers all over the place. He had this little glass coffee table that he would crawl under and have the girls sit on it and take a dump while he whacked it. He even had them shit in his hat. Which he would wear on the sidelines. That’s why nobody would ever stand near him.

Anyway Joey confessed all the weirdness that was going on with the team and she didn’t know what to do. She was a good Catholic girl and didn’t want to get a divorce and she was at her wits end. I told her she had to leave Lance and the toxic atmosphere or it would drag her down. That’s why I left the peeps after all. She agreed but needed a push. It came one day when the rasslin’ show came to town.

You see Vince MacMahon’s father was running the show back then and he controlled the wrestling in the Northeast. But he decided to have a show in the South to see if he could brake into the market. So Gorilla and Jay Strongbow and all our old friends were there and they sent me some free tickets. So W and me and Joey and Lance all went to the show for old times sake.

It was a great show. The first time they ever had the Texas Death Cage Match. Gorilla and the Chief were matched up against these two Eye-talian boys called the Sicilians. What a wild night. The match ended on a disqualification when the Gorilla hit this one guy over the head with a folding chair and he cut himself with a razor he had concealed in his shorts and bled all over the front row.

Later we all went to the Roadhouse for drinks. W was having a grand old time doing shots and talking about flying and we were having a ball. Joey was kind of guiet and sad which was very unlike her. You see her motto was a girl should always have fun. She would always say that when we were at the bar at Sardi’s or going to industry parties and what not. But now the girl wasn’t having fun. She was sad.

But then a strange and wonderful thing happened. The wrestler who had cut himself got back from the emergency room and sat down next to Joey. He was an olive skinned charmer with big soulful eyes. He introduced himself. His name was Lou Albano.

Joey was mesmerized. He was totally different from Lance who was a conventional All American Boy. Lou was squat and muscular with a deep voice and a love of conversation. He was self educated and had read thousands of books. The other guys deferred to him because he was so full of wit and wisdom. Only a man who was very very smart could act so stupid and be believable. He literally charmed the pants right off of Joey. They struck up an affair that night that was one for the ages. Everyone could tell that they were made for each other. It was a love for the ages.

Lance soon went off the deep end. The season ended and he was arrested after letting it all hang out in front of an elementary school. He got traded to California, not that it mattered. Joey had more serious problems. You see she had got knocked up. And Captain Lou was the father.

Joey didn’t know what to do. She wanted to continue her career as a singer and Hollywood floozy. She couldn’t do that with a kid following her around. And she knew that Captain Lou would want to do the right thing and marry her. So she gave the kid up for adoption. Pat Lauper the Cowboys equipment manager agreed to adopt the baby. He was moving to Jersey anyway since he got a job with the Giants in their new stadium. Joey was heartbroken. She went on to a long career of naked album covers and mattress commercials but she still dreamed of the little girl she gave away. The day she handed her over to them she said “Please tell her one thing. Remember. Girls just want to have fun.”

I wonder what ever happened to that poor child?