Laura Bush's Diary

So I was getting a bikini wax from Juanita who as you know is that fuckin Mama's Boy Jeb's Mexican wife. He met here in a massage parlor in Mexico on spring break where she was the maid and body servant for a bunch of Tijuana whores. The dumb fuck didn't even get one of the hookers he married the maid.

Anyhoo she is great at waxing us so she is doing me and Jenna. W used to love it when I had the Sinead O'Conner but now he has a new preference. He likes it if I let a little soul patch stay at the end of my cooze. He calls it the "Hilter's moustache." He is a pretty kinky fuck. He thinks that I think he just changed his mind but I know it is because he is nostalgic for that whore Sandy Duncan. That cunt!

It takes concentration to get it right but me and Jenna like to catch up."So Mom what you gonna be doing for Christmas. Are we staying at the ranch or are we going to visit Poppy and his Pop Eyed Twat?" You see the twins hate their grandmother just as much as I do. Well Barbara kind of likes her because she is her favorite since she is named after her so she is always giving her gifts and shit. But the rest of us can't stand her. Even her daughter Doro avoids her if she can.

"No I think we are staying at the Ranch. Hillary invited us to a party at her place but I don't think we want to go through all the bull shit that would be involved in meeting up with the Clintons. So we are just gonna stay home. It's a shame because you know I love a great Christmas party." Now most people don't know it but Hillary and I are great friends because of the secret of the First Ladies Traveling Underpants. We agree on a lot of stuff. Especially that she should run against the Jug Eared Jesus in the primaries. I just don't know if she is gonna do it though. My main problem is whether or not I am going to pass the Underpants on to Michelle. So far the majority of first ladies have voted against it but it is still my decision. I don't want to give it to her but the country is so fucked up that if Urkel gets reelected I might have to do it just to save us. I mean that is what Mamie did during the Cuban Missile Crisis even though she hated Jackie like the Arabs hate the Jews. So I decided to wait until after the election. I just hope that Mittens doesn't win because then I don' t know what wife to give them to.

"So Mom what was the wildest Christmas party you were ever at? Was it in College? The one where Peggy Noonan gave David Stockman a Rusty Trombone? Or maybe while you were living in New York?" asked Jenna. We talk about sex a lot because Jenna is a wild one like I used to be. "Well of course it was in New York honey. In fact it was the first time I ever met that fuckin cunt Sandy Duncan."

You know as I have told you before that I lived in New York and worked at the peeps at Show World with Robyn Byrd and shared a room with her and Joey Heatherton and Anita Gillette. Joey was always getting us side gigs and got us a lot of opportunities. That was how I was fixed with W by the way. Plus Joey always had us come to the parties that her Dad the Merry Mailman was throwing for all his buddies from WPIX TV. So one Saturday afternoon Joey burst into the apartment. "Let's go you whores. We are going to the big Christmas party that they are throwing for WPIX at the Waldorf. Try not to dress too slutty, especially you Robyn. Enough with the mesh bikini's put some real hot clothes on." So we got all tarted up , very sexy but modest and went to this big suite at the Waldof Astoria. All the heavy hitters in New York TV were there. There was Tex Antoine and Roger Grimsby and all the guys from Channel 11. Chuck McCann, Sandy Becker, Soupy Sales, my lover Officer Joe Bolton and of course the three Yankee announcers. Little skinny Phil Rizzuto, Bill White and this kinky blond dude Bob Gamere. I was impressed. The great Phil Rizzuto was my Dad's hero. I went up to get his autograph but he was all flustered. I think he really loved his wife and didn't want to talk to a half dressed young hootchie who worked in a peep show. So he scribbled his name down and was on the road to George Washington Bridge before the first cocktail wienie came out. And the wienies came out let me tell you.

Everybody got roaring drunk. I sat in Officer Joe's lap and fondled his night stick. Robyn kept trying to get with Soupy but he wasn't having anything to do with it and just wanted to get drunk and rub against the shag carpet because he was a furry. And Bill White and Joey went at it. Bill had these huge hands with ginormous fingers. His fingers were bigger than most Irish guys dicks. When everybody got naked he grabbed Joey who is really tiny. He put one finger in each hole and carried her into the back bedroom. He called that his "Bowling grip." Joey just loved it.

The weird thing, well one of the weirdest things is that Anita Gillette had brought this ingénue who was an understudy in the play she was working in. Her name was Sandy Duncan. She hooked up with this Bob Gamere guy and they disappeared into another back bedroom. I wasn't really noticing it as I was going hot and heavy with Officer Joe when all of a sudden their was a scream. That whore Sandy Duncan came running out wearing the top half of a Cub Scout shirt and nothing else. That was the first time I ever saw a Hitler's moustache. She had a tiny little wisp of hair down there and didn't even try to cover it up. She ran around in a circle screaming "Help this guy is a freak. He wants to make me dress up like a little boy and take pictures of me while I pee on him. Help!" Well the shit hit the fan then.

Officer Joe had to get off the couch and straighten it all out. He paid off Sandy and greased the bartender and made sure that everything was covered up. The Yankees fired Gamere that spring and went with Rizzuto, White and Frank Messer for the next ten years. Gamere moved to Boston where all the perverts go to live and I hear he just got in some trouble. A Pete Townshendy thingy. And that whore Sandy Duncan hooked up with W in one of our rough patches. That's why I never mentioned to him that I know he likes that look because of her rough patch. I mean we are all entitled to our secrets.

Except for you diary. I have no secrets from you.