Well it was time for us to visit Poppy and that old bug eyed twat Barb up in Kennebunkport this weekend and let me tell you I was pissed. I mean the pennant races are heating up and our Rangers are in the thick of it. Plus the new TV shows are on and I am missing all the good shit because god damned Barb only wants to watch reruns of Matlock and Murder She Wrote. So I missed my favorites like Sons of Anarchy and the Cage fighting matches on the cable.
Anyway we were all sitting around the tube and flipping the channels the other day and wouldn’t ya know it, fuckin Barry was on every channel. Even Nickelodeon! I think he was lecturing Sponge Bob Square Pants and Patrick about something or other on how they need to get health insurance. Dude they are fuckin cartoons. They don’t need health insurance. Which pissed them off even more because as a gay couple they want to get married and Barry don’t want to hear about it. I mean they would have been better off if Cheney was president cause he doesn’t care if a sponge wants to poke a starfish in his balloon knot. But somehow Barry gets a pass on that like so much other shit he pulls.
Anyhoo the boys were pissed that it was all Barry all the time and decided to go fishing. So that left me and old Barb at home. Just the way I wanted to spend my weekend let me tell you. We were stuck watching and who comes on but Michele wearing what looks like the cover of the Lands End catalog. It seems that they were out trying to get the Olympics for Chicago! Holy Al Capone Batman. Like that is gonna happen.
Michele is all weepy and talking about how the world owes it to her and her hubby who brought the hopey changy thing to save the world. As though that pile of euro trash weenies and rich playboys gives a shit. They want to do a Jerry McGuire and yell “Show me the money!” I thought these idiots were from Chicago? Don’t they know they gots to spread the bakeesh around if they want to get anything? I can’t give her the first lady’s traveling underpants if she is going to be so naïve. I mean I understand her husband being an idiot but I thought better of her. After all she finagled a no show job at the hospital when Barry was Senator so she is familiar with how it works.
Anyway while Michele is droning on and on they start showing highlights of prior Olympics and all of a sudden old Barb burst into tears. Now she has been out of it a lot lately. Ever since she had that little heart thingy Poppy has been drugging her up so he wouldn’t have to listen to her bullshit. So she mostly just sits in the corner and drools on herself and talks about old time in a murmured undertone. So when she sat up and started weeping I had to take notice.
“What’s the matter Barb, did you take a dump in your depends again? I can call Jeb’s wife to change you if you want. I think she finished the windows.” “No Laura” she said. “Look there he is. On the TV. In all his glory at the Montreal Olympics.” “There is who you old bat.” “Vasily. My Vasily. The only one who could really clean and jerk my snatch.”
I looked on the TV and sure enough they were showing Vasily Alexeev the Russian weightlifter guy with the huge enormous gut clean and jerk and snatching a record breaking weight at the 1976 Olympics. But what the fuck was she talking about?
“What are you talking about Barb? Are you off your rocker again? We ain’t gonna find you in Disneyworld under the Pirates of the Caribbean exhibit where they have all the frozen bodies trying to steal Ted Williams head again are we?”
“No you nasty cooze. It was back in the seventies. George had just been named head of the CIA and we had to go to Montreal for the Olympics. You see the CIA had planted a micro recorder in Margaret Trudeau’s twat and it was on the fritz after she went on a date with Wilt Chamberlain and Poppy had to convince her to have it fixed so it would keep transmitting information on the penis size of various world leaders for blackmail purposes. But that wasn’t our only problem.”
“Ok I’ll bite what was the problem.”
“Well you see while we were in China as the head of the embassy we went swimming in the Yellow river with Chairmen Mao. It was a big honor that they kept secret because they wanted to get together with the US to scare the Ruskies. And while we were in the river I got bitten. On the twat.” “ What you got bitten by Chairmen Mao?” “No stupid by an asp.” “You got bit on the ass? What’s the big deal?” “No you dumb shit I got bitten by an asp. On the twat.” “I thought they were poisonous. Didn’t Cleopatra die from one?” “No this was a Chinese Asp and what it did was even worse. It induced swelling. Such severe swelling that it was unbelievable.” “So what does this have to do with a Russian weightlifter.” “Well you see the swelling that this asp caused was incurable. Western Science had no cures since they couldn’t study the snake as it was indigenous to China and it was still a very closed society. So my labia majora swelled to such an extent that nothing could penetrate it. The spherical density was such that it was a marvel to American science. I couldn’t get any relief. Nothing would lift and separate them long enough to get to the good stuff. So I knew I had to find another answer. And then I saw Vasily at the Olympics and I knew I had a chance.” “Oh boy this is gonna be good.” “You see I called Vasily up to our suite. I was a lot younger then and I explained my problem to dear sweet Vasily. He was the only one who was strong enough to lift up the crushing weight of my distended folds of my labia majora long enough to clean and swab them. We were able to use a special shrinking cream invented by the CIA to decrease the jowls in J Edgar Hoovers neck to help decrease the density of my aching twat. You see he could lift, jerk, clean and maintain my snatch. Because he was the strongest man in the world.”
Well I must admit I was dumbstruck. I couldn’t believe that old Barb would admit to this.
“So you are telling me you had an affair with a Russian during some of the worst years of the Cold War? That is a little hard to believe.” “Oh we didn’t have an affair. You see Vasily couldn’t get it up. He had taken so many steroids that his balls were the size of M&M’s. You know like Rumsfelds. So he never made love to me. Even though I was so grateful I would have welcomed it. Instead he just did it in the interest of détente. He is a hero. He got a medal as a Hero of the Soviet Union.”
Well the boys came back in then and we didn’t get to end the conversation. They had caught a big mess of smelly fish that we had to clean. And as I was cleaning and scaling them and the smell of fish was over powering I would look over at bug eyed Barb in her rocking chair as she rocked back and forth and whispered to herself:
“Vasily.”
Anyway we were all sitting around the tube and flipping the channels the other day and wouldn’t ya know it, fuckin Barry was on every channel. Even Nickelodeon! I think he was lecturing Sponge Bob Square Pants and Patrick about something or other on how they need to get health insurance. Dude they are fuckin cartoons. They don’t need health insurance. Which pissed them off even more because as a gay couple they want to get married and Barry don’t want to hear about it. I mean they would have been better off if Cheney was president cause he doesn’t care if a sponge wants to poke a starfish in his balloon knot. But somehow Barry gets a pass on that like so much other shit he pulls.
Anyhoo the boys were pissed that it was all Barry all the time and decided to go fishing. So that left me and old Barb at home. Just the way I wanted to spend my weekend let me tell you. We were stuck watching and who comes on but Michele wearing what looks like the cover of the Lands End catalog. It seems that they were out trying to get the Olympics for Chicago! Holy Al Capone Batman. Like that is gonna happen.
Michele is all weepy and talking about how the world owes it to her and her hubby who brought the hopey changy thing to save the world. As though that pile of euro trash weenies and rich playboys gives a shit. They want to do a Jerry McGuire and yell “Show me the money!” I thought these idiots were from Chicago? Don’t they know they gots to spread the bakeesh around if they want to get anything? I can’t give her the first lady’s traveling underpants if she is going to be so naïve. I mean I understand her husband being an idiot but I thought better of her. After all she finagled a no show job at the hospital when Barry was Senator so she is familiar with how it works.
Anyway while Michele is droning on and on they start showing highlights of prior Olympics and all of a sudden old Barb burst into tears. Now she has been out of it a lot lately. Ever since she had that little heart thingy Poppy has been drugging her up so he wouldn’t have to listen to her bullshit. So she mostly just sits in the corner and drools on herself and talks about old time in a murmured undertone. So when she sat up and started weeping I had to take notice.
“What’s the matter Barb, did you take a dump in your depends again? I can call Jeb’s wife to change you if you want. I think she finished the windows.” “No Laura” she said. “Look there he is. On the TV. In all his glory at the Montreal Olympics.” “There is who you old bat.” “Vasily. My Vasily. The only one who could really clean and jerk my snatch.”
I looked on the TV and sure enough they were showing Vasily Alexeev the Russian weightlifter guy with the huge enormous gut clean and jerk and snatching a record breaking weight at the 1976 Olympics. But what the fuck was she talking about?
“What are you talking about Barb? Are you off your rocker again? We ain’t gonna find you in Disneyworld under the Pirates of the Caribbean exhibit where they have all the frozen bodies trying to steal Ted Williams head again are we?”
“No you nasty cooze. It was back in the seventies. George had just been named head of the CIA and we had to go to Montreal for the Olympics. You see the CIA had planted a micro recorder in Margaret Trudeau’s twat and it was on the fritz after she went on a date with Wilt Chamberlain and Poppy had to convince her to have it fixed so it would keep transmitting information on the penis size of various world leaders for blackmail purposes. But that wasn’t our only problem.”
“Ok I’ll bite what was the problem.”
“Well you see while we were in China as the head of the embassy we went swimming in the Yellow river with Chairmen Mao. It was a big honor that they kept secret because they wanted to get together with the US to scare the Ruskies. And while we were in the river I got bitten. On the twat.” “ What you got bitten by Chairmen Mao?” “No stupid by an asp.” “You got bit on the ass? What’s the big deal?” “No you dumb shit I got bitten by an asp. On the twat.” “I thought they were poisonous. Didn’t Cleopatra die from one?” “No this was a Chinese Asp and what it did was even worse. It induced swelling. Such severe swelling that it was unbelievable.” “So what does this have to do with a Russian weightlifter.” “Well you see the swelling that this asp caused was incurable. Western Science had no cures since they couldn’t study the snake as it was indigenous to China and it was still a very closed society. So my labia majora swelled to such an extent that nothing could penetrate it. The spherical density was such that it was a marvel to American science. I couldn’t get any relief. Nothing would lift and separate them long enough to get to the good stuff. So I knew I had to find another answer. And then I saw Vasily at the Olympics and I knew I had a chance.” “Oh boy this is gonna be good.” “You see I called Vasily up to our suite. I was a lot younger then and I explained my problem to dear sweet Vasily. He was the only one who was strong enough to lift up the crushing weight of my distended folds of my labia majora long enough to clean and swab them. We were able to use a special shrinking cream invented by the CIA to decrease the jowls in J Edgar Hoovers neck to help decrease the density of my aching twat. You see he could lift, jerk, clean and maintain my snatch. Because he was the strongest man in the world.”
Well I must admit I was dumbstruck. I couldn’t believe that old Barb would admit to this.
“So you are telling me you had an affair with a Russian during some of the worst years of the Cold War? That is a little hard to believe.” “Oh we didn’t have an affair. You see Vasily couldn’t get it up. He had taken so many steroids that his balls were the size of M&M’s. You know like Rumsfelds. So he never made love to me. Even though I was so grateful I would have welcomed it. Instead he just did it in the interest of détente. He is a hero. He got a medal as a Hero of the Soviet Union.”
Well the boys came back in then and we didn’t get to end the conversation. They had caught a big mess of smelly fish that we had to clean. And as I was cleaning and scaling them and the smell of fish was over powering I would look over at bug eyed Barb in her rocking chair as she rocked back and forth and whispered to herself:
“Vasily.”
6 comments:
You got the exact right word for what Barry does -- he lectures.
You really are happy to be at home.
I know. I was sitting in my backyard this morning at daybreak. I had a plate of olives and cheese and a cup of espresso. With a blanket my mom knitted over my legs. As I sat there I muttered:
Rosebud.
As I sat there I muttered:
Rosebud.
With close-up on hairy lips?
Hairy legs, CL.
Hairy legs.
shudder
Hairy legs, CL.
Huh? Focus Blake: Link.
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